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October, 2009

  1. fresh portion

    October 20, 2009 by louissa

    life throws curve balls.  i’ve always known this to be a fact but now i’m experiencing it as reality.  and it’s now, in the midst of being a recipient of a curve ball that i find myself curled up, grappling to gather the bits of my heart that are strewn about, and piece everything back together.

    but back together doesn’t look how i thought it would.  my heart, once back together, will tell the tales of mend and repair; dreams that are never to be; the fragility of the human being.

    i know all the answers and i know that someday i’ll look back on this as just a small event in the grand scheme of life — i’ve heard it all before and please, i don’t need a refresher right now.  as i lay and wonder what’s happening and why this and why that, all that’s coming to me is an email that i once wrote:

    …I’m weak.  I need my daily bread.  I thought of the Israelites when they would try to gather enough mana for a few days.  Sometimes I try to gather enough at every “high” to get me through to the next.  But that’s not the way it works.  I need fresh mana, the Word for today.  Yesterday’s mana isn’t going to get me through today.  It was for yesterday.  I need the unique Freshness for today.

    i had the grace i needed a few days ago.  i had it yesterday.  but today?  i’m grasping for an ounce of it.  i can remind myself of what i felt yesterday till i’m blue in the face, but at some point i need to experience the grace for today, for this moment.

    He’s the Giver of Good Things and He gives abundantly.  and it’s with that grace that He gives everyday — just the right amount that i’ll need for that particular moment — i’ll start to pick up shattered dreams and hopes and feelings and a heart that’s raw and piece everything back together.

    and someday i’ll look back and have a testimony to show of a mended world and the journey of finding Today’s Mana.  and i’ll be able to know that i faced this curve ball, managed to hit it, and kept on running.

  2. October 14, 2009 by louissa

    sometimes it’s in the quiet of my blue 12×12 room at my church.
    sometimes it’s in the kitchen surrounded by many when the warm heart asks me a question.
    sometimes it’s in my favorite gym when i’m standing in front of 400 people.
    sometimes it’s in another blue room with candles and blankets and faces of five girls i love.
    sometimes it’s in the car as i talk and think and wonder and vent aloud.

    she says she’s glad i cry in front of people.  she says she’s glad that somehow i still seem happy while the tears come and my voice cracks.  she says she’s glad i do it.

    it’s being transparent.  i know that.  it shows that i’m a person — a real genuine person with issues just like you and the man you passed in the post office today and didn’t give a thought of.

    it’s being vulnerable.  i know that.  it shows that i’m not afraid to have you see me as that real person — the one with all the issues.  for a few minutes i take the facade off and show you what my heart really looks like.

    it’s always been like this.  even when i wanted to most, i couldn’t help the tears from coming.  like why when i’m standing in front of a keyboard while hundreds watch me?  why when there are people in and out of a room and food being prepared and games being played?  why then?

    sometimes i just wish i was better at wearing the facade.
    sometimes i’m tired of crying so easily.

  3. small town living

    October 5, 2009 by louissa

    i love my town.  i do.  and i love how small town country it is.  we like the fall.  how do we show that?  by decorating with gigantic haymen:

    isn’t he just darling?  yeah, i don’t really think so either.  (although i gotta give whoever built the man some credit — i certainly wouldn’t be able to do that.)

    and this is the face of small town girl after driving past madrid’s fall mascot day after day shaking her head every.single.time:

    the hayman is so large i couldn’t even get all of him in the picture (i know — just stand farther away from him, louissa)!  please note the light to make sure that everyone sees him after the sun sets.

    i’m thinking that if we slowly start adding other figures to the scene year after year, eventually we’ll attract tourists in the north country.  saranac lake has their ice castle, ottawa has ice sculptures and the tulip festival, lake placid has gorgeousness and mountains, and madrid will have the hay people city!  genius, madrid.

    this is small town living.