sometimes i just need some classic in my life…

“Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever.  Not even when I’m a hundred.”
Pooh thought for a little.
“How old shall I be then?”
“Ninety-nine.”
Pooh nodded.
“I promise,” he said.

she says that sometimes i can look elegant.  but really, i’m a rather awkward little girl still.  i wear jeans and t’s and big pearl earrings because american eagle tells me that’s cool.  i can’t do my hair and sometimes i think that i can hardly put makeup on.  i don’t wear heels often because i’m told i look strange when walking in them and really, i’m much more comfortable in my rocketdogs.

but i do so like the idea of being elegant.

i want this:

it’s partly because it was showcased in this series and it looks so good.

i keep telling my sisters that some day i’ll be rich.  i haven’t quite figured out how i’m going to make all the money, but when i do, we’ll go to spas and eat rich food and have girls outings for pedicures and i’ll wear silk dresses and be grown-up and elegant.

it just sounds so heavenly.

perhaps it’s the grey day.  maybe the melancholy notes around.  i think it’s a heart that is tired of trying for the wrong things and ultimately falling to failure over and over.

i’ve been wrong, Lord. 

in the middle of ordering flowers for an elderly man coming out of surgery, telling a crying spirit that my dad will be here shortly, and making sure upcoming events are properly put in place in this week’s bulletin it hit me.  i’ve been going about it all wrong.  months and months of work and trying and living done the wrong way.  i come away from months of striving and all it’s given me is a frustrated heart, a confused mind, and a cold hungry soul.

as i’ve searched for life, meaning, destiny, i say words casually to the One who ordained it for me: “no, God, no worries — i’ve got this one under control.”  but this week — this moment — i realize that my “under control” is a hopeless disaster of energy and tears with not much gain.

shame fills my being.  i’ve not given Him my devotion recently — He hasn’t been the reason i live.  i’m afraid to lift my eyes back up, afraid to see disappointment.  and yet, i hesitantly bring my gaze up only to find that He offers His love once more.  He offers life, strength, joy, and peace and all because He adores me.  He… adores me.  me with all my shortcomings and a heart so prone to distraction.  me. 

i hear His whisper, “you are mine and you are a delight.”

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

“Everday, I lose my way and the steps back to the Way can be counted, one blessing at a time. Gratitude glues us to God.”

she caught my attention today as i scanned photos and words quickly.  lose my way?  steps back?  glues us to God?  i feel as though i’ve lost my way recently.  my perspective feels off, Jesus so distant, and gratitude like a distant friend.

i’ve looked for the little blessings throughout my day and found that gratefulness springs forth from my heart from…

: the sound of little yellow gigi welcoming the world in the morning

: spontaneous family BBQs

: sun warming

: people speaking wisdom

: being in a 12×12 room every.single.day with the most wonderful person

: little boys cheering football teams on

: dreaming dreams for siblings

: strength and peace from time with Him

: little people who bring happiness to this heart

: quiet evenings with my family

: and mostly because He gives such good things.  i’m a blessed girl.

yes, i’ve been given an abundance of goodness.

sunday night.  lounging on the parents bed.  feeling completely wiped.

yup, that’s me.

i’m tired.  i went on a bit of a road trip this weekend.  a 32 hour road trip while i stopped by 2 different places to say a quick hello.  and i was all by my lonesome self.  actually, i wasn’t very lonely.

okay, so i was when my car was empty, i was 2.5 hours from home, and i realized that i didn’t have my debit card on me and there was only the pathetic amount of $11 in my wallet.  i was very, very lonely right about then.  lonely because after sniffling and crying on the phone with my mom while i was told what to do i walked into the gas station to wipe my nose and everyone gave me strange looks.  lonely.

and i was lonely when my drive home which should have taken 5 hours took longer because i realized 45 minutes into the drive that my GPS was directing me through Canada.  who goes through Canada to get home?  yup, add another hour to my drive.  lonely.

but it was also a lovely 32 hours.  i slept well in a quiet house, had a lazy morning of tv and eggs, sat in a park, talked and talked and talked while hanging out with all sorts of super cool people, and enjoyed my chance for a quick get-a-way.

i’m gone a lot.  i feel rather spoiled.  or just single.  obviously it’s not because i’m an independent strong person since i still call home crying when i run out of gas and have no money.  but whatever it is, it’s rather fun.

there are days when i’m to be silent and find Him.

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

For You created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

after living with a very not-that-great-but-it’s-free nokia phone for over a year, i decided that it was time for a change.  so with a bit of a deal i spent some bucks and purchased a blackberry pearl.

i went into the AT&T store convinced that i wouldn’t need anything but a simple phone that would give me the ability to make phone calls and text.  the salesman was convinced otherwise.  every gadget he could come up with to try to get me to pay a few dollars instead of just using my simple upgrade he threw my way.  i shook my head to the very large massive full keypad options, the phones that flipped or swiveled open in a cool way, and the phones that could also be your mp3 (already have the pink iPod!) player.  but then he brought me to the the blackberry pearl.  it was white with pink — pink – swirly designs on the back.  i didn’t know anything else about it and i didn’t care that i’d have to give a few of my pennies away for it.  i quickly said, “i want that one.”

i had the sudden realization that i’m a compulsive buyer.

it came with a data plan.  you know, internet and not much else but they make it seem cool so you end up paying 35 extra dollars a month for it.  i had to keep it for the first month but then i could rid myself of the unwanted extra expense.

the goal is to get you addicted within the first month.

and i’ve realized that i’m not only a compulsive buyer, i’m the perfect candidate for getting hooked to unneeded pleasures.  i still have my data plan. email wherever i went, facebook to entertain when i was bored, and the ability to look anything up on google whenever i want.  sweet bliss.

but not really.

my phone’s LSD light flashes at me every few minutes throughout the day notifying me not only when i receive a text or phone call but also whenever anyone emails me or sends me a facebook message.  and i’ve realized how ridiculous it is that i now have not one but two inboxes to take care of.  what i delete in one i delete in another and what i open in one i delete in the other to get the ridiculous light to stop flashing at me.  what is posted on my facebook wall comes to my gmail, my cell phone, and in the form of a small red notification box when i go to my homepage.

and it’s $35 more a month.  what am i doing?

simple really is best.  let’s stick to the texting and regular phone calls, alright?

every single day the two liner emails would go back and forth.  he was always asking, “what are we doing tonight?  what can i look forward to while i work in this cement block?”  we would come up with all sorts of grand plans that undoubtedly fell through.  upon returning from church i would fall asleep on the couch at home and at some point he would come in from his day that started much earlier than mine, sit down in one of the armchairs and join the snoozing office worker.

eventually food would be had and sometimes we would actually keep our original grand plan and do something exciting and interesting.  not most of the time, but sometimes.  whatever we did though, i could guarantee that be it silly goofing off or sitting and talking about what the Lord was doing in our lives, i would have fun doing it.

he’s taught me much.  last summer’s lesson?

“all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”.

i’ve not been playing much recently and as much as i might like some days in the office… there isn’t much play involved there.  i don’t have anyone emailing me throughout the day reminding me to loosen up and enjoy something now and then so i’m caught trying to find this all on my own.

i’m convinced that we’re supposed to find joy in our time here on earth — that we are to eat and be merry — and that just because i’ve decided to follow Jesus doesn’t mean i need to dislike most everything about my life.  where’s the goodness of God in that?  i’m sure there’s a reason He’s wired each of us to find happiness in some earthly rather hobby-ish part of living.

my goal was to do something i enjoy this fall.  dance lessons were thrown around but i’m not sure it will actually happen.  this morning though i remembered.  i liked blogging.  i really liked blogging.  dance lessons or no dance lessons blogging must take place.  i’m not a grand writer and i don’t have too much that’s interesting to tell, but my high school years were happy years as i did something i really really enjoyed.

first step would be to grow up and purchase my very own laptop.  i’ll get right on it.

second step would be faithfulness in this endeavor.  i’ve tried in the past, but i want to stick to it this time.  hold me to it, k?

so a sigh and a start…

a rather large box with my name on it arrived at the house today.  this isn’t shocking to family members.  i have a bad habit of purchasing much and returning even more.  zappos was made for a person like me.  but this wasn’t from zappos and wasn’t another pair of shoes that i would open, take one look at, and decide that i’m just not that into them after all.  this was 13lbs. of white metal to house my very own bird.

i’m not in the mind of doing too much other siblings haven’t done first.  going to germany for a whole year would not have happened if others hadn’t first gone to various countries for months at a time or if my mumsie wasn’t so convincing and me so easily swindled (and for not eating the first few days because of nervousness, germany ended up being so amazing i returned 40lbs. heavier!).

but back to the bird.  no one in my family has ever had a pet and many of them have tried to convince me to not do this.

but the fact is, although i’ve got more than enough sinclair blood in my system, i want this bird.

so tomorrow i’ll go and pick up this tiny thing and welcome a little yellow parakeet into my world.  she’ll be in the office on weekdays and home with me on weekends.  i’ll call her (i think it’s a her) amarillo (should it be amarilla?  it sounds a bit more pretty and delicate).  she’ll be my pet and i think i’ll like it.

sometimes i get antsy to move on in life.  i dream of cities to go and places to live.  as exciting as those dreams are the idea of newness always makes my heart beat quickly and my stomach do a somersault.  i don’t know when any of that will happen, but when it does amarillo/a will be with me.  she’ll be a bit of home that comes along.  and i think i like the idea of that the most.