a friend happened to be tagged in two photos and i found myself looking.  168 pictures in an album that belongs to someone i’ll probably never meet or talk to. but this brown haired beauty just spent time in costa rica on what appears to have been a sort of sports missions trip.  i looked at the americans mixed with the natives grinning at the camera at church, the american girl in her nike shorts strumming a guitar while sitting on grass, makeshift bedrooms in cramped rooms, and pictures of a soccer field waiting for games.

i had said that i wanted to go somewhere this summer.  i told her that i wanted to do something, see somewhere, meet someone.  she had nodded her head in understanding.  i wondered what i would do, where i would go, who i would go with.

and that was that.

i’m a whole lot of talk and not much action.

although i could be frustrated with myself, part of me wonders if it’s best.  at sixteen i decided to go on a trip because i wanted to minister.  i’m ashamed to say that at twenty-one i want to go on a trip because i’m bored.  i want to feel like i’m doing something truly worthwhile and good.  i want to feel like i’m taking steps that require real faith.  and really, i just want to do something exciting.

this past saturday i sat on my porch drinking coffee and was longing for the trip that would solve all the problems in my life when i realized the true motives behind the desire.  i sat and whispered, “i’ve got it all mixed up, Lord!”

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

i don’t want to move an inch beyond this small world i’m in if it’s just because i’m bored and want something different in my life.  i don’t want to travel to the nations giving all i have and ministering to the poor if it’s just to feel like a good person.  and i don’t want to do one more deed that requires faith if the motive behind my actions stem from selfishness.

i want the reason to be God reasons.  i want it to flow from selfless desires.  i want it to be the overflow of love.