i fear much.  i fear missing the Lord.  i fear wrong decisions.  i fear not hearing right.  i fear the state of the world.  i fear ending up just like those who have slipped and fallen away.  i fear moving beyond this place and season.  i fear staying where i am.  i fear not living up to my full potential.  i fear trying too hard.  i fear being rejected.

my fear has been driving me — has been slowly robbing life and joy from me.  and i don’t want it anymore.  it’s tiring.

so i’m at the same place i feel myself always going back to while always wondering why i haven’t quite learned this lesson fully: lift my eyes to the One who has proven Himself trustworthy and find peace in the words He’s given me:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore. 

sometimes i wonder if i can love anything more than this:

this petite little babe with a will of her own and her spaghetti stained eyebrows has completely won my heart.  ohmy.  i do love her.

i also apologize to everyone who usually reads my blog through an RSS feed.  i am in no way supporting or an advocate for diaper rashes caused by breast enhancements.  the whole thing sounds rather awkward and uncomfortable to me and i’m not sure i really want to think too much about it.  unfortunately, my blog has caused quite a lot of thinking about it and that’s just as awkward.  i told my genius brother that it’s still acting up and he told me he’d fix it.

i like liking life.  after a busy school year (doesn’t every church calendar revolve around the school calendar?) i realized i wasn’t enjoying much about my days.  and so i’ve been purposing to once again note the small things and enjoy this season of life.

small thing #1: my should-be-sister, jess

i love her.  i do.  in fact, i love her so much that i actually tell her when i don’t agree with something she’s doing (big for this steer-away-from-any-confrontation sort of girl).  my two younger sisters are visiting her and this sister is usually off making her name famous, but i’m thankful for this little sister who is still around.  yesterday we made a trip into town just to buy her makeup.  she’s showering right now from a day away with a friend and after i’ll teach her how to apply it.  so much fun.

small thing #2: public transportation in madrid

every morning while i walk/bike to work i pass this sight.  madrid, small hodunk town madrid, has a bus.  today when i passed and the driver tooted his horn at me so that i’d stop and chat (because it’s the cool thing to do) there was one — 1 – lonely person sitting in it.

small thing #3: my swimsuit and matching towel

it’s all about enjoying the little things, right?  i like that my towel matches the piping on my navy suit.  like it, like it, like it.

small things #4: nail polish

i love painting my nails.  no, i’m not sure you get it.  i LOVE painting my nails.  right now, they are this metallic blue.  i know, i know — grow up, louissa.  but really, at some point i really won’t be able to get away with this and i’d rather like to enjoy it while i can.  so they’ll be blue for a bit.  then i’m thinking of getting yellow.  yellow nail polish is so… sick nasty!

small thing #5: the sky

my favorite thing to notice each day: the sky.  it makes me happy.  every. single. time.

i’m conquering my fear.  i’m sitting on painful seat, peddling around town, and using this to get from point A to B:

yes, after taking many years off from such activities because of a slight ridiculous paranoia, i’ve picked it back up.  my bruised derriere and sore legs can testify that i’m not making any of this up.

i’m not sure how it happened but the family somehow got split up into groups: “the three big girls” (what every 12 year old wants to be called), “the two middle ones” (we were never really called by that, but the middle children have got to have something awkward about them), “the three little girls”, and “merrick” (not sure how he pulled that one off but somehow he got his own group name?).

one of the middle ones took the three little girls out for dinner last night… sort of.  the evening started out by said middle one going to mumsie and saying, “can i borrow cash or your credit card? i don’t have my card on me.”

but anyway.

we had fun in the car:

we had fun at the restaurant (so this is outside it):

and we had fun on our way to coffee:

i think everyone should have sisters.

i listen to him.  i listen to him a lot.  i like him.  i like him a lot.

whenever i like a music artist and become a big fan i start to wish they would get saved.  i started to wish this for damien rice.

and then i had the awful thought:

would i like him as much without the angst filled singing?

goodness gracious!  i hesitated and thought that?!

time for me to get saved again.

so many of the blogs i read are filled with the stories of every day simple lives.  you know — hanging diapers on their clotheslines, reading books to babies, and planting flowers.

i lead a simple life too.  it’s a different kind of simple life, but simple all the same.  i’m not sure my every day activities are quite as exciting or create the warm fuzzies that those things do, but i figured i’d try all the same.

here we go…

i woke this morning and drank my coffee in my blue pajamas.  the pajama set that came with pants for someone with an extremely long torso.  somehow the waistline stops right below my armpits so i’m forced to roll them down multiple times and have a very pudgy section around my waist.  since when did i become midget size?

i went to work and sat in a staff meeting from 10:15-12:00.  we discussed kitchen policies and planned the next six months at church.  very, very exciting.  i made myself a cup of hot chocolate and took fifteen minutes to sit outside and drink it all for the sake of ridding all goosebumps from my body.  it might be warm outside but it’s oh-so-cold in my office.  that building refuses to pass 65 degrees unless the boiler system is forcing it.

after my short break i emailed individuals about said plan-making, shopped around for the cheapest communion cups, created this sunday’s bulletin, and bought a clip-on clock.  again, oh-so-very-exciting.

i listened to a new worship song and i tried it out on the piano in the gym.  i tweaked this and that and started thinking about a set list for practice this evening.  i updated the online calendar, fixed a phone that wasn’t working, aided others using the copier, gave my opinion on new designs, printed a few sign-up sheets, answered phone calls, made phone calls, emailed an announcement to the whole church about their dishes cluttering our kitchen, gathered needed signatures, enveloped checks and stamped them, and somehow managed to busy myself with that for 7.5 hours.  figure that one out.

i sat on our side porch, ate a burrito, and talked for forty-five minutes after returning from work.  i taught a piano lesson to only the sweetest little girl who comes wearing prairie dresses and then back to church i went to make copies and pull music for worship team practice.  for one hour i played music, ate chewy candy, and didn’t really feel like playing every song through completely.  it was a rather haphazard practice and i didn’t mind one bit (and i don’t think the team did either… i hope).

i came home and walked/ran for a bit.  a sweaty mess i decided to shower and the blue pajama set with giant length pants went on.  a toweled head i sit here and write.

there are boys mixing music on the side porch.  a daddy and a little boy watch baseball.  two girls make cookies in the kitchen.  soon i’ll go join them and undo everything i did by exercising and then eventually make my way to my room.  i’ll sit in my bed and read the 5th chapter of isaiah and write some more bullet-type sentences in my journal.  i’ll follow that with a chapter out of one of those heathen novels that involve sorcerors and chantments and fall asleep to it.

and that is my simple life.

[i don't think i'll ever do this again.  somehow reading about chubby cheeked kids eating pb&j is much more entertaining than the life of an office worker].

8 pizzas made.
2 pies to be shared by all.
3 pairs of toes waiting to be taken care of.
1 walk with 2 friends.
5 mouths eating lunch in my office.
2 boys bringing the lunch (those kind of boys are our favorite).
1 hockey game to watch… or not.
2 verses to refresh.
4th chapter of isaiah to read.
1 boy out on the sea somewhere.
1 girl wondering about him.
16 to find beds in this house tonight.

and my personal favorite:
and a few more hours until bed.

it’s been awhile and i don’t have a good excuse.  no, not one.  things have slowed down like i thought they would for the summer but instead of writing blogs in all my spare time i find myself taking long (and i do mean long) walks in the evening, spending quiet evenings wrapped in a blanket watching movies with my Mumsie and baby brother, and spending my saturday going about the north country on adventures.

okay.  so i’m actually totally uninspired.  my own personal journal is full of bullet-type sentences of what’s going on in my life and you know it’s bad when that happens.  although there is more going on in my head and my heart than there’s been in awhile i’m not quite ready to put it down in writing.  let’s wait another little bit.
i’m at the kitchen table.  jess is eating dry cheerios from a very large plastic container.  three girls are eating ramen noodles and playing dutch blitz.  there’s an amazingly boring movie being played in the family room.  everyone is grabbing sweatshirts as the evening begins.  sunday night snacks are trying to be found.

this is my house.  and i like it.