i’ve not been so busy recently.  well, at least not the kind of busy one thinks when hearing that word.  i’ve been making time for the small things.  after all, it’s those small things we don’t bother to notice much that make up our world.

and i’ve been remembering.  remembering that happiness and joy can be found in…

making dinner and sitting around the table.

attending a lovely growing-up-too-fast-sister’s violin recital and being the proudest because she played the best.

spending a sunny day with another darling sister and the favorite-ist boy.

making a lunch date with a girl i grew up with.

a friend who gave me a free fix on my car.

having time to clean my bathroom, make brownies, and fold laundry.

enjoying the weather — rain or shine.  all i know is that spring is coming.

being around.  to be around with whoever else happens to be around.

reading my Bible.  talking to Him.  and journaling.

yes, i’m finding goodness.

the jeans are rolled up a bit and flats without socks have been put on.  i feel eager to join this enthusiastic crew with summer apparel.  after all, it’s supposed to be a high of 60.

i worked late last night.  i had a very long day.  but today — today i have the entire day off.  i am taking a day trip and i am very, very happy.

enjoy your day.

there is nothing more annoying than ankle socks that have lost their elasticity.

they are then more like heel socks.

i rolled my window down a bit as i drove into town this evening.  the music played, the sun was shining, and my car was just a bit too stuffy when i first got in it.  ah.  a sign that summer really is coming.

and that’s all.

it was happiness.

i find myself feeling more and more self-centered every single time i write.  who am i to think that what i have to say is important enough or entertaining enough or so captivating that you would want to waste a few minutes on it?  and really, i don’t do it for you.  when it comes down to it, i write for myself.  i somehow think that this is the platform for me to be known, but in a sea of the online social world, i’m not sure i rank high enough on the list for it to really matter.

in an age where you can somehow manage to keep up on 500 friends all day through your supremely organized news feed (even though you only speak to 20 of them in real life) and where all the time we have for one another is what you can fit into your 150 character tweet, how does a long-winded blog fit into the speedy world of technology?

but write on i do.  i become just another blip in the midst of all the “noise” we take in and somehow i think it’s benefiting my world — or even a farther stretch — your world.

because part of me needs one thing — just one thing — that i enjoy.  and i enjoy writing (at least writing about myself).  please, i don’t feel spiritual enough right now to say that all the church services i go to are enough.  part of me knows that i was created by a Creator with a purpose.  He gives gifts and talents.  i’m sure of it — i’ve seen it.  and i’m also sure that He gives them so that we can use them to further His Kingdom, but He also gives us ways to enjoy life through them.

and i feel like i’m still trying to find that.  where’s my spot?  what has He actually given me?

i like a lot of my life.  i like a lot of what i do.  but i’m having a hard time recently saying that i love it.  and don’t ask me what i love.  i won’t have an answer for you.  am i just afraid to say that i love something?  i’m not naturally inclined towards one avenue in life — through the years i’ve found myself always working for anything i might want.  am i just afraid that once i say i love it, i’ll hit the hard part and feel like maybe i missed it again?

i don’t have a conclusive thought.  i don’t know why i feel quite so confused about my life.  i’ve got the big picture (don’t worry, i haven’t fallen off my rocker completely — i still love Jesus a whole lot) but it’s the smaller details i haven’t figured out yet.

i’m 21 now.  i kinda thought i’d have just a few answers at this point.

this just gives proof to how self-centered i really am.

…the good news is that i have a shiny pink iPod.  and i love it.

“At times I wish I knew the exact right words to say to someone, but I never feel like I do.  Part of me wishes that I had the ability to remove every person I know from difficult situations and circumstances of life, but at the same time, I realize that when you come out of the more difficult times, you come out a stronger person — a more matured person — a person of greater understanding.

You talked of living life in a cloud.  Of not seeing the whole picture.  And I thought of how Paul so often refers to this life as a race and we are runners.  He’s not ashamed to say that he knows there’s a prize up ahead and he doesn’t have any qualms of encouraging us to continue to keep that as our focus.  I thought of Hebrews 12:1-2:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith…”

Endurance.  Since we’re so into definitions of late I figured I’d really take this word apart since I like it the most in these verses.  Endurance means: “The act, quality, or power of withstanding hardship or stress; The state or fact of persevering; Continuing existence; duration”

You know you’re in a season and you know that although the process of getting through this season is maybe slower than you expected, you will eventually move on.  And all I can say is to persevere through this time, run this race with endurance — “withstanding the hardship or stress” and continue on in faith.

You’re doing good.”

- written to a friend this past summer.

i know, i know — it’s been awhile since i posted.  there is a reason.  really, i’m not just being lazy.  so here’s the update on what’s been keeping me so busy:

1.  work.  yeah, kinda lame that work is always my #1 response.  but busy i am because of it.  people consistently ask, “what do you do all day?”  i’m not going to sit here and list every little thing that goes on in my very small 10×12 office every week, but if you’re really curious or concerned that i don’t actually do anything but sit and wait for the phone to ring, you’re welcome to come and shadow me for a day or so.

2.  worship.  i’ve been standing in front of a keyboard and singing songs with my church since i was… uh, fifteen.  wow.  it’s been a long time (and one would think that after years of doing it i wouldn’t ever have those ‘rough sundays’).  i send emails and make phone calls to find replacements for musicians.  i try to organize our ever disorganized  box of music.  and i show up thursday evening for a two hour practice.  oh, and i get up at an ungodly hour sunday morning for an early practice and then lead during the service.  yup, that’s what i do.  glamorous, hey?

3.  choir class.  i teach Kindergarten & 1st graders to sing songs and have fun while doing so.  the hand motions aren’t done together and they have the worst pronunciation of french & german i’ve ever heard, but that might be because their teacher is so american.  we also learn class etiquette. we learn more about that than we do about music.  the biggest reminder is to not poke the person next to you.  such are the hardships of being a five year old.

4.  cell group.  i have an international cell group at this point.  a whole lot of koreans and a chinese and i gather every friday and they ask me questions and we look at the Bible.  sometimes i can’t understand them at all and sometimes they can’t understand me.  it adds up for a very interesting time.

5.  sunday school.  i taught our women’s sunday school today.  my mouth went dry, my hands started to shake, and the pit stains grew larger.  i love being nervous.  i only had enough to speak for 43 minutes (the class is 50 minutes) and i talked about mary magdalene.  i learned some very good stuff about this lady while taking five hours yesterday to prepare, but if you’re looking for an easy character to teach on, pick someone else.  she’s a toughie.

6.  the phone.  every few days i talk to a boy (someday i’ll clean off my desktop — promise).  it’s a very strange new way of living for me.  i used to avoid the phone like the plague.  now every few days i get more excited that i’ve ever been to hold a small piece of plastic to my ear for an hour or so.  (i also spent more than two hours on the phone with a blonde beauty who lives in calgary, canada on friday night)

7.  being tired.  i’m generally just tired.  i go to bed early when i can and stay in bed as long as i can.  two months ago i blamed it on those horrid “february blues” but that’s not a real valid excuse anymore.  i keep telling myself that everything “extra” will end in a few months — summer is going to be my saving grace — and i’ll be able to breath a bit and get rejuvinated.  and that’ll happen.

right?

there are some things that will always be wonderful.  for example:

an amazing brother who fixes my site.

speaking in an austrian accent.  go on — try it, it’s fun.  just substitute every W for a V.

spending your morning with one song playing just because it makes ones heart feel good.

watching the snow slowly melt day-by-day from your office window.

living in an almost-but-not-quite commune.  trust me, it’s an adventure.

the one person who i can spend large quantities of time on the phone with.

the UPS man who somehow knows the lives of us church workers so well.

dreams of the world being colorful.

friends who are happy and receive job offers and propose to the girl they love and are excited about life.

and grace.  grace shown by those around me and grace from Above.

that is wonderful.

EDIT

forget that.  site is still messed up.  lore-lou, help?

i have just a few minutes before i run off to teach some lessons.  yeah, i teach still.  my four beginning students are as many as i can into my schedule right now and the only reason i choose to somehow fit that many in is because i love my students that much and because i love teaching that much.

if i went to school i’d be in a quandary.  i like teaching.  i like being in a classroom and i like individual time.  i like teaching notes and keys and curving ones finger and i like teaching songs and singing scales and i like teaching about Jesus and Bible characters and how to use scissors and glue sticks.  but i don’t think i’d like teaching in our school systems.

i was awake until too late last night.  the light was turned off but we stayed up laughing and telling stories.  ohmy.  i like it so very much.  can visits never end?

a few sentences…

i’ve never wanted a dog.  yesterday, for about two seconds, i wanted i dog.  the feeling quickly went away.

my birthday is in ten days.  my family will have a lovely dinner for me where they’ll shower me with appreciations and all my favorite foods.  but today, as i fought the desire for a disney princess themed party, i decided to plan a big bash for myself.  who doesn’t throw their own birthday party?  costume party it is… now to start figuring out the details.  let me know if you want to come — you’ll be admitted upon proof of present & beverage to pass.

a friend is coming saturday night.  she’ll drive up on a bus (more brave than i) and then for an entire week will stay with me at my house!  a week-long sleepover!  can life get better?

…this growing up thing that i keep promising isn’t happening very quickly.