i’m finding that i expect much for others but very little for myself.

my Christian faith is my world and without my Christian faith i would not have my world.  i’ve learned that a God, who i know and have personally experienced, is faithful and good and peace and merciful and loving and just and caring and perfect and strength and a friend — and is so much more than this small little list because He is everything that anyone could ever need.  you have a problem?  He’ll take care of it.  you have a need?  He’ll provide.  are you broken?  He’s the healer.  are you confused?  He’ll bring clarity.

i know these things.

but recently, i know these things for others.

i attend several weekly church meetings.  there are countless opportunities for my God, who is everything anyone could ever need, to touch my life.  i sing songs and i mean every word, but somehow, i don’t actually leave room for Him to transform my life.  i pray over others and encourage them to step out in faith, to catch the vision God has given them, but don’t do that myself.

i listened to words this morning while i attended one of my weekly church meetings about not only having faith for others, but having faith for yourself.  i stood there and didn’t understand that those words were being spoken for people like me.  i didn’t grasp it — i didn’t make it personal.  i just knew of all the others who needed to hear it and how i had faith that they could do this thing.

it didn’t once cross my mind that i need faith for my life just as much as they do.

i continued on in my day doing the things that good Christian administrators do when all that’s keeping them going is the schedule that they put together for another 400 people.  so i ran home, changed, and met up with others at a nearby park to pick up a sign that read, “Abortion Kills Children” and stand on the street curb for an hour.  while i should have been meditative, somber, and prayerful, i found myself telling fairytale stories, singing songs, and putting a 4 year old niece on my shoulders, back, lap — whatever would keep her warm and happy.

and then a few hours later while i sat with a few others on leather couches and chairs with a very content stomach from spaghetti and cheesecake and coffee and every sort of goodness, i found myself listening to someone say to me that i need more faith for my own life.  and i realized, that there is 0 faith for my life, giftings, situations i’m in and i realized that that’s wrong.

and honestly, you, my dear reader, should know that i’ve been in a season of feeling purposeless and with no vision for my life.  but doesn’t that stem from having no faith?  i sat there and although i looked totally fine while these words were coming at me, i found myself wrecked.  i’ve been discontent, i’ve complained, i’ve been unhappy, but i’ve given the Lord no room to move in my life.

Jesus called to Peter, but He could only do so much to get him to step out of the boat.  He called and there came a time where Peter had to decide to leave the safety of the boat.

i’ve asked Him to call in the past.  i’ve then promptly covered my ears because i doubt i’ll be able to do what He asks.

but tonight, i realized that it’s on me.  it’s time for me to listen, to trust, and to leave the boat.  i just pray that i’ll have faith enough to take that first step.