it’s late.  the midnight scone and tea party has finished and most everyone here at 1942 is busy brushing teeth and finding places to sleep.  extra mattresses have been pulled out and enough room has been found for everyone who decided to rest under this roof tonight.  another long day has ended and i have an even longer one coming with the rising of this day’s sun.  but sleep wasn’t coming as i laid on my yellow sheets and so down to a quiet kitchen with a laptop is where i find myself.

sometimes it’s dangerous to write in the late hours or when one is extremely tired — both of which apply to me currently.  honestly, finding the balance of what is too much to share on an online blog has always been difficult for me.  i’ve been writing too long and at times i get too comfortable.  but then again, some tell me that the reason they keep coming back is my honesty — my transparency.  so please don’t mind me if i’m a bit transparent.

i feel as though i’ve botched everything up in my life.  somewhere along the way the rhythm i had, the game that i was playing so well, skipped a beat, i fell off my course and i’m madly trying to get it back again.  this short time that i have here on earth, the brief moments i have with those that surround me — i can’t seem to do it the right way.

i’m twenty and i still have bad attitudes.  for example, sometimes i still find myself responding badly to my parents.

the minute i get tired, i lose all self control and i have no desire to try maintain it.  i get irritable and am an emotional basket case.

i lack love.  for anyone and everyone.

everything the Lord gives me — opportunities, giftings, words of encouragement — i somehow mess up.

recently i’ve gotten annoyed with people and i don’t usually get annoyed.

my attempts to control every aspect of my life has failed and shown how mistrusting i am.

i’ve been dumb enough to immediately toss out what He says to me because of insecurities.  how’s that for trusting the Almighty One?

i’ve become self-centered.  and i’ve probably hurt some around me since that’s what usually happens when that dreadful thing pops up.

but mostly, i’ve lost my focus.  i’ve not been looking at what i should be — Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.

Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm. 
Do not swerve to the right or the left.  – Proverbs 4

tonight i sat on a black wooden floor while i waited to go on stage to perform a scene and thought of how awful i’ve been at trying to do this life thing on my own.  tonight while we drove home and i spotted deer and we laughed at awkward stories i thought of how tiring it is to feel like you’re doing everything the wrong way.  tonight while i sat on a darling porch with some of the most precious people in the world to me i looked around and felt like i was failing them — but mostly like i’m failing Him and His good testimony.  tonight while i laid on my yellow sheets and wallowed in all of my awfulness i suddenly started humming a verse from Lamentations. tonight i was reminded of what peace is found in His Word.

and tonight i was reminded that i can wake up tomorrow and not be discouraged — all of today’s mistakes are behind me and with Him as my focus, i can start afresh in the morning.  tonight i found myself hopeful again that with His strength and power, i can get back on track and do this thing right.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; greath is thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.”