it’s almost 10:30. i’ve only had one cup of coffee and so far, we’ve had a very enjoyable morning with three happy children and an aunt who is quite content to not have to correct very much. more laundry has been put in, a drum set has been fixed, baby dolls have been put in their proper clothing, a dishwasher has been figured out, a diaper has been changed, make-up has been put on this girl (i rather forgot to take care of myself yesterday), songs have been sung, and we’ve had the rather funny and bizarre conversations one has when you spend a large majority of your day with a five-year-old, a three-year-old, and a two-year-old.

i’ve been asked a bazillion times in the last few days why i’m not a bride yet and why i don’t have my own babies. in these darlings minds it only makes sense that i should be in the exact same season of life as their dear mother. i really do confuse them. i’m twenty. i’m not a bride. i don’t have any babies. and i go to work each day like their daddy.

to One who is faithful and deserves only the most faithful to serve Him, i find myself desperately lacking and quickly trying to change that. i’m starting to realize that my life song is going to one of His faithfulness to me even though i’m finding that my heart is dreadfully unfaithful.

i’ve pulled an Icarus. everyone has listened to this song and have puzzled over the line with some strange name in it:

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

Icarus found himself distracted by enjoying that which was given to him. he didn’t heed the words spoken to him and that was his destruction. he wasn’t focused.

my heart is dreadfully divided. my love, my devotion, my worship, my time is all mixed up and confused. He should be at the top of my list, the One who is receiving all of it, and yet i’ve found myself forgetting to give Him anything — to love Him at all.

and it’s been my downfall. an unsettled heart, a distressed spirit has been my portion when my head knows that if He was my focus then i would know perfect peace. and so i’m reminded of where my focus is to be:

“Let your eyes look directly ahead
And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.
Watch the path of your feet
And all your ways will be established.
Do not turn to the right nor to the left…“

He gives good things. He blesses me. and sometimes the things and not the Giver is my focus.

i’m in a good season. i like my life. and i’m content. i’m fine with what i do, where i am, where my faith level is, where my relationship is with others and Him and i don’t want that. i want to want more, to need more, to long for more of Him.

i find myself humming these words to myself more often than not recently:

To love you – take my world apart
To need you – broken on my knees

the day is starting to warm up. perhaps a walk is in order for an aunt and three little ones.