louissa sinclair

i couldn’t see past the white ground that lay between my window and the street. as might happen when one gets tired of staring at a computer screen, i glanced out my window every now and then to only be reminded that i couldn’t see a thing. i was wrapped in a blanket of the abyss — just me by myself with the whiteness. and it was a wonderful thing.

snow is annoying.  and yet, i don’t really want it to melt quite yet.  it can stay for a little bit longer, can’t it?

harry connick junior is playing. my mumsie is making dinner — oh! another comment on him singing out of key. one of the “little girls” walks past, blowing her nose. the table cloth is red and all of our “country style” knick-knacks hang in the kitchen windows. yes, this is christmas at home.

i laughed when i saw the rearranged family room, awaiting a tree that won’t be brought in until next monday. i guess there’s no harm in planning and doing in advance.

i am in need of snowflake cutters. you know — i want them to look like the ones she always makes. yes, then i will sprinkle glitter on them, tie them with a silver string, and hang them in the frosted windows of the our building on market street in potsdam. if only i was as good in real life as i am online.

there was snow on the ground yesterday. it made it all the more “right” that it was thanksgiving. it made it all the more right that i was in a cozy house eating lots of food, watching movies and parades, and playing games. our house was full yesterday. but then again, you already knew that. it was a good day.

(more pictures of thanksgiving at our house here)

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this morning my dad and i went to leave the house. we weren’t expecting it to take us ten minutes to get out of the driveway. we tried the “slow way” (driving at 1 mph), we tried driving onto “fresh” snow, we tried turning the van around. eventually we found ourselves inching up while the speedometer said we were “going” 50 mph. the smell of rubber was invigorating and the whole operation gave us a fresh love for this place we live.

snow is annoying.

i like extra people in my house.  it means it’s extra busy, extra loud, and extra fun.

there are late night parties of making french toast and coffee, games which bring chaos to our family room furniture, and so many things to laugh at all our stomachs hurt.

really, we love having people.  you can come visit whenever you want.

it’s 12:30pm and i have yet to cross the threshold of the hotel door that marks the end of my room and the beginning of the long hall.  and i don’t really mind.

a few chapters of Job read.  a lengthy journal entry recording all my real thoughts that cover the last few weeks.  eating cheese curds, crackers, and a piece of pizza for my own little “brunch”.  a long hot shower while reveling in the fact that i have nothing to do today.

all the while i listened to her.  she’s my favorite.  she’s real, she’s honest, and she loves Jesus.  her song played in the background of the slide show at church last week.  it played because that was my song last week and she loves her as well and i knew, i just knew, that it was the right song.  and since some mentioned it, i thought i’d send you to a link where you’re able to listen to it anytime you want.

there is not a better feeling in the world than to be sitting in a bed which is in the house of people who simply adore you (or at least fake their affection very well). they made me tea and made sure there was lots of honey so my cold will go away, they talked with us for hours past their bedtime (they’ll be getting up much earlier than my sister and i), and he pulled out his nifty cell phone and took a picture of us sitting on the couch.

she was worried we’d be too cold and made sure there were many extra blankets. “girls, there’s juice in the fridge if you want some,” she said as she went upstairs to bed. he left the room in triumph saying, “i got a hug from louissa!” it’s been years since he’s received one of those (he says that i was “knee high” when they last saw me) and you know — hugs from me are super special.

i am simply loving my life right now.

it’s early. must children wake up so early?

the small red head cuddles up against my arm every few minutes and says something. i don’t understand most of his “words” so i smile and say, “really, jack?” the princess on my other side likes to touch my hand and make sure i’m watching the exciting parts of Larry Boy and the Yodelnapper. trust me, it’s a thrilling film.

the other day i decided i must have looked like i’m a freak. i wore my heels and a dress coat trimmed with fur. i drove a blue mini-van while listening to bob marley. and once again, i couldn’t figure out how the pump worked at the gas station to save my life. there were cars in line for gas and instead of going inside and asking for help i simply got back in my vehicle, drove away, and said to myself, “there’s gotta be another gas station around here that’s easier to use.”

i’m going away for a long weekend. and even though my throat feels horrid and i’m rather stuffed up at this present moment, i’m looking forward to it. a wedding, staying with people i haven’t seen in years, christmas shopping… yes, wonderful.

i haven’t been able to get Job 13:15 out of my head since i first talked to my crying mumsie. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”

it seems pointless. it seems stupid. it makes me mad and all the more confused. why Christian? why did the Lord allow him to be taken?

i’ve been challenged by the blind trust these situations require. there comes a point where you have to choose to trust that God is in control, that God has a plan, that He is good, and that He is the Redeemer. it makes Job all the more a real person to me. he was able to look at his wrecked life — a life that may have seemed destitute to everyone else — and continue to praise God. though God allowed everything to be taken away Job was still declaring, “my Redeemer lives”.

and it’s true. He does live and He does know what’s going on. He permits things to happen that confuses and frustrates me, but it’s in those times that i know won’t get the answers i want. i can be content knowing that He holds the world in the palm of His hand, that He knows the number of our days, that nothing happens without Him allowing it, and that He truly is our Redeemer.

and somehow that’s what brings the most comfort.

i was thirteen and i finally decided who i wanted to be. she was cool, her voice was unique, and she had a crazy style. i wanted the pink hair, i wanted the musical skills, i wanted the ability to make strange things hip.

i wanted to be gwen stefani.

i know, such a noble want. hopefully, now at nineteen, i’ve come to realize that there’s a bit more to desire that those attributes, but i’ll admit that i still think of her as one of the most clever and original “pop stars”. and i’ll say it, i still listen to her — you know, i’m much closer to 16 than 30.

i came downstairs this morning and heard a sister compliment me on what i was wearing. thinking it a bit odd since khaki’s aren’t that spectacular i turned to her to say something to that affect. it was then that i found myself facing the sister who is so generous with compliments only to realize that we were almost identically dressed.

funny. and we hadn’t even planned it!

nope, we’re not sisters at all.

. . .

< edit >

my little boy, merrick man, saw the last sentence i had written for this post and was quite put out that i would say something like that!  the following conversation ensued:

merrick:  you and liana are sisters!
me:  yup, i was being sarcastic though.
merrick:  oh.
me:  do you know what that means?
merrick:  yeah, sarcastic means that you were lying.

i’m such a great older sister.

after a long afternoon of dealing with phones (i’m just not very good with anything that involves cords, buttons, phone lines, and electricity) i got home and said to my sisters, “hey guys! guess whose voice you hear when you leave a message at church now?!”

they both just looked at me and said, “oh no.”

i couldn’t have said it better myself.

why didn’t you ever tell me that i have the most unusual and ugly accent that combines every other accent i’ve ever heard? that means that i drawl certain letters like southerners, pronounce “r’s” very harshly like those i’m surrounded by at this present time (sorry north country folks — you just say words like “colbert” and “wal-mart” very funny), and forget to say all my “L’s” like those from Western PA?

(i have nothing against accents, it’s just the combination of all of them that produces such a horrific sound.)
and now it’s recorded for everyone to hear when they call Christian Fellowship Center.

wonderful. just wonderful.