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August, 2007

  1. a european adventure

    August 28, 2007 by louissa

    sometimes my life sounds so very romantic (strictly speaking in terms of the Anne of Green Gables definition of that word). 

    yesterday we packed sleeping bags, sweatshirts, and food, and drove off to a distant town on the Bodensee.  if only i had known that the small “walk” to get to our final destination would be enough to have me almost sit down on the side of the hill, burst into tears, and tell the man who brought us, “i can’t go anymore!”  but then again, yesterday just wasn’t my day and my dizzy head and my upset tummy and my miserable emotions were enough to have me do that even if i wasn’t walking up a muddy steep incline with shoes that don’t have any traction on them, slipping and sliding and losing my balance as i went.  he eventually noticed the horrid state i was in and we slowly “zig-zagged” our way up instead of walking straight up the side of the mountain with thorns and nettles on every side and we did eventually make it to the top.  and really, it wasn’t that bad.  twenty minutes of steep incline shouldn’t have me ready to snap, but as i said, yesterday just wasn’t my day. 

    what we did and where we went were worth all twenty minutes of that dreadful experience and i’d repeat them if i could ever do what we did last night again.  after making it to the top of the hill we found ourselves in the midst of monastery ruins where in the middle of this old, what used to be fabulous building, we set up camp.  we scrounged up roasting sticks which we put our wurst (sausage) on and roasted them over the fire and then later we pulled out our sleeping bags and fell asleep gazing at the stars and full moon above us.

    only in Europe does something like that happen.  my “European experience” just wouldn’t have been the same if i hadn’t slept outside surrounded by old monastery walls, finding constellations above me and wondering how many other people had slept there long long ago and what their lives had been like.


  2. packing

    August 26, 2007 by louissa

    nine days. 

    strange to think that i arrived here almost one year ago.  it was hot then too, although i wasn’t prepared for warm weather since september 19th at home is a bit cooler than here on the Bodensee. 

    i’ve started packing again.  this packing is different.  it’s exciting — i’m moving on again — but it’s a different kind of exciting.  it doesn’t have the “newness” exciting that coming to Germany had.  it’s the “i’m going back to a familiar place full of people i love” exciting.

    it’s amazing how much you collect within just one year.  papers, notes, letters, pens, cd’s, clothing that wasn’t originally mine, etc.  i’ll be happy if i get home without paying extra for my luggage.

    i’m really just rambling.  sorry.  i’ll let you go and i’ll get back to my packing.


  3. going home

    August 21, 2007 by louissa

    two weeks.  fourteen days.  thirteen sleeps.

    ladies and gentlemen, the countdown has begun.


  4. day tripping it

    August 17, 2007 by louissa

    two and a half weeks left.

    that’s always in the back of my head.  generally this is a reason for rejoicing but at the same time reason for me to try to cram as much as i can into my schedule for this last little bit.  i only have Germany for a few weeks more and i only have these people for the same amount of time.  so this free week has been filled with lounging on the beach, day tripping it, walks in this favorite place of mine, and eating food that i’ll only get here.

    at home when we’re bored and need something to do and decide to go away for the day we go to syracuse or lake placid or ottawa or maybe even montreal (well, not me yet, but everyone else in my family went this past summer).  i guess the latter two are rather cool because technically they are in a different country but somehow European countries sound more romantic and magical.

    the other day, i went to France for the day.  yeah, as in the place that boasts of the city everyone wants to see and the place where everything fashionable comes out of.  France.  i went there.  just for the day (we’ll ignore the fact that i spent more time on the train that in this country).  it was amazing.

    sometimes my life kills me.

    so i was there ready to be completely surrounded by their beautiful language (hey, i like it) and be able to browse through all their fun stores and bakeries and everything wonderful, but to my astonishment, they had the audacity to have a holiday the day i was there and everything (except the big restaurants which tourists would eat at) was closed.  i was quite put out.

    she is expecting a little girl soon after i land at home.  i went to France with the intention to purchase a gift for this little one while there, but i couldn’t because the said stores were obviously closed during my time of wandering the city.  i wanted to get something from France because every girl wants to wear something from that country and here was the opportunity for me to really spoil one of my babies. 

    and not to mention, German clothing is so Amercanized (not a word?  bear with me.) and French fashion is so much more unique.  H&M is the world here in this Deutschland of mine but hello, we have those at home so why would i want to buy things there while i’m here?  after having such a hard time trying to shop for this little man back in December i was forced to buy something that i could’ve purchased back in the good ‘ole USofA and that was the pits.  don’t really want to do that again. 

    so i’m still presentless and unfortunately i don’t think i’ll be going to France again anytime soon.

    but hey, i ate a crepe while i was there.  that kinda makes up for it, right?  crepes in France — it’s perfect.


  5. untitled

    August 11, 2007 by louissa

    sometimes, well, days like today, i find myself asking why i can’t be perfect.

    i’m tired of always doing the wrong things.  i’m tired of the sin cycles i’m in.  i’m tired of never having the right perspective.  i’m tired of being so selfish.  i’m tired of myself.

    so i try to right myself.  i try to tell myself that if i do this or if i do that then it will make it all better — that i’ll be a better person.  i’m full of formulas for how to do this and although i try them over and over again they always fail me.  i’m not capable of being the person i want to be.

    it takes much to bring me to my knees.  in my head i know that i’m supposed to remain there but i never do.  i can point out the times over the years that i’ll find myself having gotten to this hopeless point, finally willing to admit that i can’t do it without One who is greater than me.  it’s this vicious circle of me trying to live my faith on me own, only to realize that i’m a miserable failure.

    i want perfection.  i try to attain it using my own strength.

    today i’m thankful.  thankful for the grace upon which i stand.  thankful for He who shows me through these experiences my need for Him.  thankful that He lives in me, He uses me even with all my faults and failures.  thankful that He is working in my life, chipping away the sin and brokeness.  thankful for His amazing, unconditional love.

    - – -

    my wrists hurt.  yesterday some of the little monsters that i worked with this past week attacked me while we were outside, tied my hands together and then tied me to a tree.  they then started to tickle me, which forced me to fall onto the ground (the only way for me to protect myself from ten pairs of hands) which added stress upon the rope around my wrists and gave my jeans grass stains (anyone know how to get those out?).  i eventually had to call over a German speaker because of the amount of pain i was in and sure enough, i now have bruised wrists.

    oh the things you put up with when working with kids.

    - – -

    the smart guy here is going to be fiddling with the network and server and everything else that’s part of the internet here at school and so i might be without access this next week.  that means i’ll have no communication with the outside world.  if i go crazy, you know why.


  6. details

    August 7, 2007 by louissa

    there are two bunkbeds and a single bed on one side of the room.  two large wardrobes are where all five of us girls keep our belongings and one of them defines where the bedroom area ends and where are living room begins.  we have two couches, a bookshelf, and a desk.  there are flowers on our desk, twinkle lights hanging above our windows, and posters of ladies from the 20′s hanging above one couch.

    it’s our evening ritual to find out who is showering the next morning.  if not everyone is home by 11:00 pm, then we get a phone call asking what are plans are going to be.  if we say yes then we have to pick a time to shower.  when all five of us want to shower in the morning the first person is up at 5:45 am so that we can all be ready and out the door for 7:30 devotions.

    sometimes we turn the light off at night but we stay awake talking.  i sleep on the top of one of the bunks and often my head ends up hanging over the edge so i can look at the girl who sleeps beneath me while we talk.

    one room, a small kitchen, a bathroom, and five girls.  i like it.

    - – -

    it’s gray outside and it’s my day off.  norah jones is playing, the scent from my vanilla candle has filled the room, my hot cocoa is almost gone, and it’s times like this that i’d be tempted to say that my life is perfect.

    i’m so quick to say things are perfect, that my life is just how it should be.  won’t heaven be a surprise since i think that this is perfection.


  7. almost

    August 4, 2007 by louissa

    i’m feeling so very distant and out of touch with those i love the most.  this morning while i made beds and felt quite lonely someone mentioned that i’ll be going home in exactly one month from today.  it’s a long month with thirty-one days in it, but in fact, i will be flying home in a month.  suddenly i could breathe just a bit easier.

    but i’m not there yet.  and until i am, i’ll just keep thinking of this song that brings me more comfort than you’ll ever know.

    I am constant; I am near
    I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
    I am holy; I am wise
    I’m the only one who knows your heart’s desires
    your heart’s desires


  8. thinking.

    August 1, 2007 by louissa

    “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”  – 2 Corinthians 7:10

    i’ve been thinking about the difference between godly sorrow and worldy sorrow.
    i’ve been thinking that worldly sorrow leaves one with no hope — there is no salvation beyond it all.
    i’ve been thinking about how this verse says godly sorrow “leaves no regret”.
    i’ve been thinking about the fact that i have regrets — many regrets.
    i’ve been thinking about how i feel as though i’m somehow not able to live beyond those regrets — like the things i’ve done that i can’t seem to get past will always drag me down and dictate who i am.
    i’ve been thinking of the shame that comes with these regrets.
    i’ve been thinking that i live with worldly sorrow.
    i’ve been thinking that i’ve not be living as a forgiven child of God.
    i’ve been thinking what a wonder it is to have the Living God work in your heart.
    i’ve been thinking that He is so good.