louissa sinclair

we walked by the water and soon we were at a harbor.  sailboats were anchored and birds flew around us.  the sun was warm and i could hear people in the background as they ate their ice cream and sipped their coffee. 

and all i could think of was this day last summer.  everything reminds me of something at home, someone at home, or something i’ve done at home.  home remains my life and i wonder how so many people can move and make other places home.  i don’t know how they do it since after six months i’m still caught up with my home.

i have a notepad upstairs in my room and on the bottom of every page it says, “bloom where you’re planted.”  i’m not sure if the people who sent it to me knew that i would need to read that so much, but it’s turned into a daily saying for me.  as my brother-in-law says, “be where you are.”  i’m here and all of me must be here.  i need to invest while i’m here, continue to grow while i’m here, and live regular life while i’m here.  i could easily get caught in the trap of living only for going home, but i cannot let myself do that.

it’s rather hard though.

i find my pictures are probably viewed the most by me.  here are a few that i like so much…

my lovely princess…

two favorite boys…

my desktop photo…

gangsta’s…

friends…

summer and everything wonderful…

there are so many more that i look at on a regular basis.  pictures make me smile… they make me remember… they make me okay.

i love pictures.

sometimes words don’t come.  sometimes i sit and stare at the screen as i fish for the right words to let you know what i’m up to and how i am.  funny how my blog, which was only going to be for “creative” writing, has turned into such a newsletter of sorts –  pictures of who i live with, where i’ve been, and words that tell you how i’m doing and what i’ve been up to.

so let us see… what’s new?

- i get paid to be here now.
- i have keys to all the doors in this building.
- i can go into the staff room and eat whenever i want.
- i am one of six that is in charge of locking up the building every night.
- i won’t, but i’m allowed to drink whenever i’m not working with a Konfi group.
- i can now watch movies.
- i’m part of the “real” world and i have a day off.  it’s lovely.
- i’ve moved into a room that has a small fridge and my own phone (something i haven’t ever experienced).
- i’ve spent my days so far here in the email room singing.
- i am one of six that washes breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes here.
- i’m “on staff” at a Bible school.  i know, funny.

oh, all the fun things i miss since i’m not at home.

like seeing this:

transform into this:

amazing, i know.

i said goodbye to my closest friends from bodenseehof yesterday.

i said goodbye to my kindred spirit from bodenseehof this morning.

and to make matters worse, tonight i spent €2,80 on one and a half pieces of pizza.

sometimes life is not fun.

mr.weatherman is rather confused and our seasons are a little backwards here on the bodensee.  gone are the days when we’d sit out on our balconies in shorts and tank top working on homework and hopefully taking in some sun.  now we sit inside and watch the snow fall — such big flakes and coming down so quickly.  it’s beautiful right now to look outside and see, but it messes a bit with my head.  i woke up this morning and wanted to sing christmas songs.

the mumsie and the daddy left this morning.  i stood by the door and waved as they drove away.  they left me and that’s never happened before.  i’ve always left them and that’s how it’s suppose to work.  it made me feel rather strange to experience this. 

i had a wonderful time with them though and i’m so thankful for the fact that they were able to come over at all.  austria is beautiful and salzburg and vienna are now two of my favorite places.  our days were filled with mozart dinners and viennese concerts, palaces and old forts, shopping and lots of food.  but the best was that i had so many days with my parents.

thank you all for the birthday wishes.  i’m nineteen now and it doesn’t sound all that old anymore.

a few more days and school will be over and more people will leave me while i stand by the door and wave goodbye.  more change… but i’m learning to accept change as it comes.  it’s not always bad.  this change will be difficult.  oh, i’ll finally be able to watch movies, have my lights out as late as i want, and be as lazy as i wish, but the school won’t be filled with all the people that are so dear to me here.

weird. 

pictures up.

no writing right now.  but pictures say it all anyway, right?

to austria for a few days.

lovely.

week two.two of bible school.

only two more weeks till it’s over.

then i have two.zero more in germany.

crazy.

- - -

an hour ago i wrote my final words and ended with an exclamation mark.  not because the sentence was so interesting or the conclusion of the whole paragraph was asking for that extra little something, but because it was the last paper to be written at bodenseehof.  that fact alone was the reason that i decided to go with something that is so not me.

and it felt so good to look at my page and know that i’m finished.

- - -

my parents arrive tomorrow… sometime.  i’m really not sure when and i don’t really care.  all i know is that they’ll be here and then we’ll go away to austria for a few days and i’ve never been quite so excited.  i’m so far away from home that it never even entered my mind that at some point i’d be anticipating the arrival of someone so special.

and i don’t have to spend my birthday alone and i’m so happy.

- - -

i’ve been thinking about people.

those people who annoy me, who frusrate me, who i judge, and who i compare myself to and find that i always come up higher than them.

i’ve been thinking about love.

those people who annoy me, who frustrate me, who i judge, and who i compare myself to and find that i always come up higher than are the ones that i’m supposed to love. 

i’ve been thinking about 1 Corinthians 13.

it’s not just for weddings and for couples who look very funny when they gaze at each other, but for me and my attitude towards others.  i thought i loved people until i started looking a little more closely at this.  my so called “love” for all the people who at times i dislike so much does not resemble the definition given in this passage.

and that just convicts me.

“By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

every now and then i go back here to have a bit of fun reading over what i wrote at age fourteen and fifteen (have i mentioned that i leave childhood behind in a few days?).  i was so silly, so shallow, and so passionate about being a better person.  most of them the public can’t see (diaryland did that for some odd reason), but i found it interesting that a few of my last posts i mentioned someone who i had talked to.  both times it was chris.

they are here and here.

last night we had “Swedish Night.”  there was much face painting and some dressed up like vikings (umm…er, where’d my picture of them go?).  and then there was our group who found €1 “Sweden” hats from the World Cup.  but after eating our swedish meatballs we took our hats off and donned our skirts and tops for our musical number where betty was with jimmy, but broke up with him, which actually caused him to have a motorcycle accident and die.  i know, ridiculous but it was fun. 

and i know that i’ve been told that i post crazy pictures of myself, but this one is because of my crazy sisters.

there are other random photos…