louissa sinclair

today i will sit in a van for a few hours.  he will pull out his guitar and the six of us will practice songs — some we learned two months ago and others just two days ago.  the weekend will be filled with church meetings and school classes.  by the end, we’ll hopefully have perfected most of our stuff and will be comfortable sharing our testimony in a class room setting.

we’ll stay with a german family who we don’t know.  they’ll feed us and drive us around (pray for me, i really dislike most sausage here).  saturday will find us with a free day and so we have scheduled a day trip.

but it’s 6:30 am and i need to go upstairs, get my laundry out of the dryer, and start packing.

i’ll be back sunday.

before i came here one of my wisdom teeth was starting to come in.  as of a few days ago, i think another one is joining as well or coming in more and the right side of my face is throbbing.  since we lack anything new to talk about around here, something like this is a phenomenon.  well, we really use anything to add a bit of “newness” around here.  we’ve quickly gotten tired of asking the same typical questions (how did you sleep?  what did you do this afternoon?  how’s your bible study project going? and are you enjoying the lectures this week?).  you should have seen the ruckus i caused when i straightened my hair the other day.  one of the boys even said to me, ”louissa, you forgot to curl your hair this morning!”  yeah, everyone was a bit confused.

a few nights ago my wisdom tooth were being shown to those interested, which meant most in the room since something like this is truly exciting — yes, they were several people peering into my mouth.  and yes, it is a rather odd experience.  most gave the typical response of, “oh, that’s wierd” or “that looks strange”.  but there was the one girl who said, “it looks like a baby being born!”

and then it was my turn to be weirded out.

i made The Mistake again.

we sat in a circle in a small room, surrounded by germans from a small youth group the other night.  we were there to sing, share our testimonies, and build relationships afterwards.  after the introduction explaining where we came from and what we were doing it was time to introduce ourselves.

“hi.  i’m louissa.”  i was then asked to say where home is.  “i come from new york.”  and in the midst of all the “oohs” and “ahhs” i hastily added, “…state.  new york state.“  but at that point i don’t think they were really listening.

oh well.  eventually i’ll learn.

today is thanksgiving. 

my family will be slowly waking up in several hours (it’s still one ‘o clock in the morning back home).  i’m guessing the parade will be on in the family room, everyone going in and out to see the favorite acts that will march past macy’s.  the turkey will smell yummy and everything will look quite fall.  they’ll eat together, maybe play games, and mostly talk a lot.

and i’m here.  in Germany.  thousands of miles away from them and six hours ahead. 

but that’s okay.

yesterday i sat in this room, only i had a phone to my ear instead of being on the computer.  a little voice said at the other end of the line, “why can’t you come home for christmas and thanksgiving?” 

i could sit here and be miserably upset all day, but i don’t want to do that.  it’s still thanksgiving and although it’s just another normal day here at bodenseehof, i don’t want to ruin the whole thing.

1.  i’m thankful for some decorations up in my room to remind me that it is thanksgiving.
2.  i’m thankful for a bit of candy corn left that i’ll finish today.  sure, it’s not pie, but it’s still fallish.
3.  i’m thankful for friends here and friends at home.
4.  i’m thankful for a family back home that i love such an incredible amount.
5.  i’m thankful for the internet so i can see pictures and communicate without waiting a few weeks inbetween each letter.
6.  i’m thankful that i am going home for christmas.
7.  i’m thankful that i have a God who supplies all that i need.

i’d just like to wish you all at home a very…

*Edit*

my RA came up to me yesterday and asked, “do you have a sister named Liana?”  i said yes and wondered why she was asking.  my RA loves the christy miller series (she actually knows the author) and was bored that morning so went to the website and found something a “Liana from Madrid, NY” and written.  crazy!  what are the chances she would stumble across something a sister of mine wrote on the internet?  you should check it out (she’s the third girl down).

i stood in the kitchen for four hours this afternoon.  my green apron was dirty by the time i was done and i prayed that the hair net i was wearing actually held hair back from getting into the pancakes i was making.  i can’t tell you how many i made, but i can tell you that i’m so sick of pancakes that i don’t ever want to see one ever again and definitely don’t want to eat them.  not to mention, my finger tips are all very “tender” since i rolled each pancake up to prepare it to go in the freezer and most of them were very hot.

it was four hours of not doing homework, but i was able to think a lot…  think about how, without the Lord, i would not be here.  leaving home was the last idea i would have ever started to entertain and something i never wanted to do.  and leaving the country?  that’s just not me.  but i’m here, six hours ahead of you, and am daily more and more happy that i’m here.  it just feels right.  that feeling is amazing.

two days from now is thanksgiving.  it doesn’t feel like thanksgiving.  i don’t feel like thanksgiving.

did i tell you that i’ve discovered my new love of dressing up?  if you haven’t done it in awhile, plan some themed event because it is so incredibly fun.  this past sunday night found me trying my hardest to be a pirate.  the night before i had headed up the making of signs for the basketball game we were going to as a K-Group.  as the female leader of my K-Group i felt a measure of responsibility to really dress up.  i think finding everything for my “costume” was almost as fun as the evening.

but i love watching games.  i love the energy that’s included in being one of the fans.  we held up our signs proudly, yelled until we lost our voices, and took pictures with our player (staff K-Leader) after his team won.  it made me think of hockey games and how much i love watching them.

yes, pictures will be up soon.

my desire to one day be a writer has left me. 

the library has been my home yesterday and today.  i’ve spent twelve hours in there, researching and writing, willing myself to finish the longest paper we have to write here.  the last two days have been days when i wear sweats, a baseball cap, and no make up on.  i sit beside the heater, ear-phones in, typing and deleting, and typing and deleting some more.  talking to other students, i realize that there are just a dear few who take as long as me, who research as long as me, and who look up every word in the Bible dictionary that is found in the chapter you’re studying.

the sick part?  i still need one more page to complete the paper.  i still need 500 more words to really say i’m finished.  and i have nothing more to write.  back to the library i go.

yeah, writing for a job?  i’m just not sure about that one.

. . .

funny how somedays i’ll miss someone specifically.  i miss my brother today.  no, not the little one — the big one.  the one who used to wake up really early with me and we’d play “snakes” with our friendship bracelets.  the one who used to stay up late talking and creating the most beautiful girl in the world, using the facial features of the “top five” girls from church (you can only take guesses at why ones mind works the way it does at age ten).  the one who i’ve done everything with. 

yeah, i miss him.

. . .

sometimes i’ll read something and although i don’t know what the writer is actually talking about, i love the way it sounds.  writers, good writers, can find the perfect combination of words to move my human soul and inspire me (even if i’m blind to the meaning).

Three things are too wonderful for me;
Four I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a serpent on a rock,
The way of a ship on the high seas,
And the way of a man with a virgin.

- Proverbs 30

Is love a fancy, or a feeling?  No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
‘Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life - for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
No rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom…
Nor will it be changed, though all be changed beside.

- Hartley Coleridge

. . .

or you can just listen to music and find that one line that says it all:

I miss you, miss you so bad

*read with my sarcasm in mind. 

i remember my first night here in germany.  i was exhausted because of the time difference, i found myself sitting in a church praying for a few minutes, and then i went out for a walk.  person after person passed me jogging or on a bike.  the amount of spandex i saw that evening was absolutely incredible.  and all i could think was, “these people are really into exercise.”

now maybe i’m not used to this because i live in small town America or maybe i’m not used to this because most Americans don’t function like this, but as i watched all these people nordic-walking, running, and biking, i felt perfectly comfortable being what i thought was the average american girl who is out of shape and has never been involved in sports in her life.

unfortunately, my view on all this was very uneducated and i quickly found that out.  i wasn’t here at school a week before i realized that almost everyone had been on some sort of sports team before and they go running, do aerobics, or work out in our weight room once a day.  and i suddenly realized that i was in the minority of eighteen-year-old american girls who don’t work out and have never been involved in sports. 

they would invite me to go with them as they ran their regular 6K or did their average 200 crunches and 100 push-ups per day and i would smile and say, “oh thanks, i would, but i’ve got some stuff to do.”  a lie?  yes (Lord, forgive me).  it’s not like i don’t do anything.  i walk.  oh yes, i always walk forty-five minutes a day to an hour.  you would be amazed at how quickly my brain worked in order to tell myself that i was getting plenty of exercise just by walking a bit. 

day after day i was surrounded by this atmosphere of being healthy, of pushing your body further, and getting the full 35 sport points a week and eventually it did something to me.  maybe it was because i realized i’ve never sat more in my life until now or maybe everything mr.story said finally sunk in or maybe it was because everyday the button on my pants is getting harder to button — whatever it is, this week i started running.

now i’m a smart person and know that i probably don’t want to run when everyone from fishbach is out as well.  this town is small enough that there are only so many places to run and since i hardly like to walk through the school hall in my black stretch pants and t-shirt that show my rather lumpy out of shape figure, i didn’t think i’d want to suffer while being passed left and right by spankex-clad toned bodies.  so i chose the evening.  yes, it’s perfect — the sun is down, no one can really see and no one else is around.

until this evening.  as i started out on my very slow pace, i started to be the one passing people.  there were women in heeled boots and men in suits.  there were four girls and boys standing outside of our turkish restaurant hanging out who decided to cheer me along.  there was a traffic jam along the street and more people on the sidewalk than ever before.  i know it’s friday night, but that doesn’t usually make any difference here.  this town is usually dead — what happened to it?  maybe i was just self-conscience but i do think they were all looking at me and my saddle-bags.

and as i went along, huffing and puffing, running until my calves started cramping (a grand total of twelve minutes), i decided that i’d rather be in the minority of american girls who don’t exercise and have never been invovled in sports than undergo this humiliation.

there were once three young girls who set out to spend their afternoon studying. they packed their bags, grabbed two blankets, and went to the lake.  at first they did very well — they were quite busily bent over their books while reading and writing.  then they had to look up and smile once and awhile as they enjoyed their time in the warm sun.  pretty soon one of them discovered how comfortable her Bible was as her head began to nod and her eyes slowly shut.  then they were talking and laughing and taking all sorts of pictures (which included their hands and feet).

and even though all these silly things took place, when the sun started to set, they picked up their blankets and books and started back home - and at least one felt very good because she had accomplished much.

so life was lovely and very, very good.

it was just the bus driver in the front and me, surrounded by many empty seats.  i had opted for the long route back into town from the airport.  i stared out the window, at the grey sky, the snowy mountains in the background, and wind playing with the branches of the trees.  a tear slipped down my cheek and for some reason the only thing i could think of was a certain song which had nothing to do with what i was upset about…

so you sailed away
into a grey sky morning

it’s not so bad
you’re just the best i ever had

i’m not sure why i had gotten my hopes up — chances are changing the date of my ticket would have cost too much anyways.  so it shouldn’t have been so hard to hear from the ladies lips, “both connecting flights are all booked up.”  and in reality, the chaning of the ticket would have been made the difference of one day.  it doesn’t change things that much.

but it does.  to me.  right now at least.

just give me a little while.  then i’ll be okay.

just in case you hadn’t found them already: click.