i think i’ll steal a line from a good friend: i didn’t think it would be this hard.

and i feel rather lame because of that. most people leave. most people go away from family and friends at some point. most people go to school (and for longer than this!). but i’ve never heard of someone being such a miserable mess because of it.

i just have to tell myself that it’s a season of life and someday this season will end. it will be hard at first — i know that — but it will be good. i’m determined to get past the “being lonely and hating my life stage” and get something out of this experience. and i’m determined that it will be more than just a good european experience, but that the Lord will be in the center of it all.

tomorrow is going to be miserable and traveling for twenty hours by myself will be even more miserable. i never really wanted to leave. i’ve never had the urge to get out of the house and stand on my own two feet. i’ve never felt the need to prove to others that i’m a woman and can handle life on my own. and i’m not ashamed to say that that’s not who i am and that’s not a part of my personality… there’s nothing wrong with it, but it does make it rather difficult when i have to say goodbye to my dear, dear family.

it could be so difficult because in the back of my mind there are questions concerning after these six months. will i ever come back home and be like this again? i keep telling myself that i’ll return to the north country, but will i? what’s after?

but i’m a survivor — i’m gonna make it.

since i am going to be a bit lonely and won’t be able to keep up on everyone else’s blogs (i’ll have access to my school email account on the school computers but won’t have any other access to the web) you should seriously consider keeping in contact with me with my very cool (and very european) SCHOOL EMAIL ADDRESS:

louissa_sinclair[at]bodenseehof.de  (obviously you would use the “@” symbol.  i just don’t want to get any spam.)

it could be as simple as saying “hello” and “goodbye” or you could just get in the habit of emailing me what you’ve written on your blog and i’ll send a quick reply back and it will be my comment and i won’t feel that far away from everyone. sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

in case you’re interested in actually writing me real mail:

Louissa Sinclair
Bodenseehof
Postfach 29 33
88023 Friedrichshafen
Germany

and if for some strange reason you find yourself inclined to send me something:

Louissa Sinclair
Bodenseehof
Ziegelstrasse 15
88048 Friedrichshafen
Germany

a note from the school regarding packages: Watch out! New laws make it very important that those sending packages to you write “NCV” (no commercial value) for the value of the package. If you do not do this, the package recipient will have to pay a substantial tax.

and don’t send me any medications. it’s against the law. :)

well, i guess that’s all.

tomorrow i fly away. but i’ll come back and nothing will have changed, right?

tired of seeing pictures like this one? too bad. life doesn’t always go your way, don’t you know that?

saying goodbye is not very much fun, but it can be rather entertaining. especially when your friend has to bend over to give you a hug (and then of course your sister is right there and says, “ohmygoodness! i have to get a picture of this!”). and no, for those of you who don’t know me very well, there is nothing going on between that little boy and me.

so pretty much, i have the prettiest friends.

i had this boy all to myself for a little bit tonight. a daddy went to pick up iron-filled food and a tired nana and mama took naps and that left this auntie to hold, kiss, and sing to my little boy. i’m so happy that he’s here.

follow the links.

i’m tired and have a sister i want to go talk with.

goodnight.

pictures of our now-named-boy (it was officially decided this afternoon) can be found here. Ryan Jameson (we’ll call him, Jameson — which is pronounced, JamIson, not just James-son) is home with a happy daddy and mamma and nana.

- – - – - – - -

tonight my arms couldn’t be raised high enough. my feet couldn’t move fast enough. my voice couldn’t sing loud enough. the words of adoration couldn’t come quickly enough. the unquenchable worshipper, the undivided worshipper, the undignified worshipper, the undone worshipper, the unstoppable worshipper, the unending worshipper — these are things i want to be.

- – - – - – - -

the question is:

can you make me a celebrity overnight?

so i’m an aunt. again.

he’s a big boy with brown hair and the most dunphey looking face ever (he’s just missing the glasses). he’s loud and his upper lip quivers when he cries and he didn’t like the ridiculous eye drops they must use on these newborns now. he’s perfect and i can’t be anymore happy.

i won’t lie, i prayed so hard that this baby would come before i go away. i found myself on a regular basis telling God that i really didn’t care about this or that and only cared about seeing this baby before i must leave. i guess He was listening and i am so incredibly thankful.

i have three days to hold and kiss this little guy, to get pictures taken to show you (i’m a very proud aunt) and pictures to bring with me. yes, i am so happy.

“Once upon a time, on the north shore of Long Island, not far from New York, there was a very, very large mansion, almost a castle. And on this very large estate lived a small girl. And life was pleasant there and very, very simple. But, then one day, the girl grew up and went beyond the walls of the grounds and found the world.”

i’m not going to Paris. i’m going to Friedrichshafen. perhaps it will be the best thing for me. perhaps i’ll come back and claim that i found myself there. perhaps i’ll say, like sabrina fairchild, “America is my country but Friedrichshafen is my home.” i don’t think i will — my home is here and what more do i have to find? i’d rather have someone say to me while i’m there, “I’m in Friedrichshafen but you are somewhere else.”

i would like to “see the world through rose colored glasses” though. and of course, sting can play my background music…

In the moonlight
When the shadows play
When the thought of what could happen
Takes your breath away

- – - – - – - – -

my mumsie is so good to me. it’s days like today, when i’m almost fainting and she’s holding a bucket for me as my stomach refuses to keep my stomach acid down, that i think, “what will i do without her?”

- spending an hour at my bank and walking away with my own “real grown-up account.” i figured my savings account, which only my father can withdraw from (no, he’s not a control freak), wouldn’t be very convenient because of the distance between us, so now i have a debit card, a credit card, and a checking account. i won’t actually use two of those (credit and checking), but it all came together in a nice little student package. sweet.

- a job and a generous brother-in-law who i get my checks from.

- my brother-in-law’s message on Sunday. i really don’t have much control over my thoughts and my “inner conversation” throughout the day.

- the verse my mom shared at the end of Sunday School Class. i now have something specific i can bring to mind when i find my thoughts wandering.

- realizing once again that God is in control. all the little details i was stressing about are coming together and that makes me happy (and very thankful).

- a family dinner with my favorite people and listening to alison krauss while i clean up.

I turned around
Before I could run
I found you already settled down
In the back of my mind

You’re heart is pullin’
If I didn’t know any better
I’d be fallin’
Deeper and deeper it’s true
I’d hear it callin’
If I didn’t know any better
And I’d be in love with you

one week.

or

seven days.

either way, it’s a short amount of time before i step onto a plane and fly away. is it okay that i’m a tad bit scared? oh, i’m excited and am so happy about being in germany for six months, but a little nervous at the same time.

wanna come? having someone i know coming with me would make it an awful lot easier. but then again, i’m only allowed two pieces of luggage and walking into an airport with 50+ bodybags would look rather strange.

oh well. it’ll be just me.

i could put all my pictures right here on my site, but they have to be small to do that and who wants to squint at pictures? i don’t. so if you want to see, push on the links — those would be the words in green.

DP said that we shouldn’t wake up and think, “this is gonna be a bad day. look! it’s raining… i wish it wouldn’t rain.” but i feel like i can say that after working outdoors yesterday with the three oldest boys in the house. josh and i, of course, had to capture what we looked like afterwards. i know, we’re pretty darn classy.

every night i go upstairs to my alcove to bed and walk past these two girls. sometimes they’re sleeping (like last night at 12:15am), but most of the time they are up quietly giggling together. i know that most kids beg for their own bedroom or just their own bed, but i’ve loved sharing a room and bed. you don’t know how lonely i get when i’m all alone in a room at night. but i’ll miss seeing those girls every night before turning the light out.

i know, we’re pretty hot.

and leaving means that i’m starting to get pictures of me with all the people i love (i figure i should bring my camera to church this sunday).

alright. i’m kinda tired. you’re gonna have to find the rest here.

want to know what i’ve really been thinking about? we’ll see what this stirs up…

*disclaimer: i’ve not come to any solid conclusions and these are all just wonderings. they are in no way pointedly directed at any individual(s).

1. drinking. where is the line? is it okay to drink or should you never touch alcohol? seems to be a gray area to me — the Bible never clearly says no, but it also says that we’re to be set apart from the world and drinking is very much linked with our society right now (and rather in a bad light as well). is it wrong because of the way it looks or what it makes others think or are we just touchy and self-righteous people in or thoughts concerning alcohol? should it be all about personal conviction or have i missed something?

2. celibacy vs. marriage. singleness is a gift — i don’t think many of us would say otherwise. there are definite advantages to it but most would argue against remaining a celibate because of selfish desires. paul obviously has strong feeling about the issue and urges those who can, to stay single. in response to that, i’ve heard people say, “yeah, well paul’s not God.” no, he’s not — but the Bible does say that it is the inspired Word of God and this is in the Bible. there is obvious good in marriage as well, but do we generally discredit the quality of remaining single? there isn’t a day that goes by, when i don’t think to myself, “i just want to get married.” by thinking that, am i letting myself be distracted and miss some significance in this time of being single? and is it possible that we close our eyes to what might be our calling — to remain single?

3. vanity. at what point does caring about the way you appear become vanity? the proverbs 31 woman always looked nice and was wearing the finest of linen, so when do you start being vain? is it in how much time you take to get ready every morning? how much money you spend to be wearing the most current trend all the time? too much time in front of the mirror? i just don’t know.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

on to something lighter. not only do some see a resemblance between her and i, but some think that i resemble a famous painting.

i know, i don’t know if i see it.

you really don’t have to tell me — i know i’m spoiled.  i can’t even tell you how many hours have been spent at a certain salon here in the north country having fun with my hair and getting experience coloring hair myself (no worries, it was her hair). 

i’m here again… now waiting for another client’s hair to be finished before heading home.  i said goodbye to my “fun” hair this afternoon and said hello to just plain red.  i tell ya, the sacrifices i make for spending six months in europe.  :)

her: isn’t it weird that the one color hair stylist haven’t been able to find really good matches for [for coloring purposes] is red?
me: i know!  doesn’t it make you feel special and unique?
her: no, i just find it really annoying – as a red head and a hair stylist.