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August, 2006

  1. almost september

    August 31, 2006 by louissa

    i’m sorry if i’ve let my melancholy mood seep into my posts. i’ve not been a very good example of what a victorious Christian walk is supposed to look like recently and if it’s come across through this website, i’m sorry.

    maybe it’s the fact that i’m leaving soon — 20 days to be exact. but who’s counting? maybe it’s the fact that the days are getting shorter, the weather is getting cooler, and my babies will keep growing. another baby will be had, thanksgiving will be eaten, and snow will have fallen before i come back.

    or maybe it’s that it’s almost september and i didn’t expect it to be this hard. i didn’t think i’d be thinking this much about him.

    he was going to give me his belt buckle once he got a new one, did you know that?

    i’ve been feeling worn out. with more then just this on my mind i wondered why my trip to germany wasn’t coming sooner.

    oh, how silly i’ve been trying to deal with this on my own — thinking i was big enough to carry it all myself. and how good my Jesus is to come to me and remind me to give it to Him. His love is greater than it all and i love being confident in that.

    You are so good to me
    You heal my broken heart
    You are my Father in Heaven

  2. hier mit mir

    August 30, 2006 by louissa

    i’ve already made changes to this post four times and now i’m getting rid of most of it and starting over. i’m far too melancholy right now.

    - – - – - – - – -

    back when we were wearing pink dresses with lace and the boys were wearing striped shirts and eye patches — back when my squeaky voice was pretending to be a soprano while singing songs about climbing over rocky mountains — i was told by danny-boy that i was the most transparent person he had ever met. it’s not cool when people can figure you out so quickly. they shouldn’t learn on the second time of hanging out that the only time your mouth is closed is when you’re upset with someone. he knew what made me tick and what ticked me off after just a few practices. and i didn’t like that at all.

    thankfully it was just danny-boy and i would have told him everything he wasn’t able to figure out, but i do think of it everytime i sit down to write.

    which is, i guess, a good thing.

    - – - – - – - – -

    i walked up to the register with my gallon of milk and smiled. i didn’t know if he’d recognize me but i knew him.
    we said hello and he asked how my summer was going. he wanted to know if i had my wild card, i said no, and he used his.
    after a bit of small-talk, where i learned that he’s going to school for music business and has a house on bay street, i walked away.
    “i’ll see you around,” i said and then stopped. i told him i was going to germany and he wanted to know why.
    he wished me luck and said to bring him some wall back. i said okay.
    the last time i saw him was last september.
    it will probably be another year before i see him again.
    and all i could think about was how much he needs Jesus.

    - – - – - – - – -

    a penny for your thoughts?


    notice the german title above all this nonsense. i’m organizing my sets in german… you know, it’s the little things in life.

  3. you make me spin

    August 28, 2006 by louissa

    some people make me smile. a lot. sometimes going back and reading old entries and comments* makes me smile. a lot. i like smiling. a lot.

    i’ve revived my love for the piano. no, i’m not just talking keyboard. after a weekend of having fun with different sounds, i knew that i would volunteer to play keyboard anytime. but i was forced to sit down and actually brush off some old pieces this past week in preparation for a visit from my mumsie’s ankle doctor who happens to be the same man i bought the piano from. mumsie made peach pie and brownies and we had a lovely time with them. daddy and i pretended that i was thirteen again and he played the left hand and i played the right hand of Fats Wallard and then i played Chopin’s Nocturne in E Minor. three girls pretended to be the Andrew Sisters one more time and a talented girl played her guitar so well that even her three-year-old nephew asked, “how does she do that?” yes, quite lovely.

    after two nights of “music” in the sinclair home (the night before we had sat around on the porch singing Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, the Beatles, Patsy Cline, Keith Urban, and James Taylor) i’m sure a passer-by would wonder if that’s normal for us. yes, it is actually. two girls were watching home video’s today and one, from ’99 showed julia with a brand new electric guitar (she was nine), jamie with a trombone, carina with a flute, and me with my saxophone, getting a lesson from our daddy while playing along with a Miles Davis cd.

    that’s just not normal.

    i walked my younger brother back to the house after an afternoon of running around with neighborhood kids. he started to sing, “you’re one in a million…” and i wondered what i had done to my poor younger siblings.

    this picture is old and i posted it once before on my xanga, but it makes me smile and as i’ve stated already, i like doing that.

    ohgoodness! i’ve been kissed! : )

    * someone actually gave me no eProps once.  i find that rather funny.

  4. days go by

    August 26, 2006 by louissa

    do days usually go by so quickly? i feel as though time really is “flying” by and i’m desperately trying to keep up with it. i find that i’m trying to memorize every second of every day…

    like proving my brother-in-law wrong about my self-portraits. they aren’t all puckered lip shots — wait, i didn’t take that last one. but i did take this one (i’m seeing a pattern when it comes to julia and me photos…) but anyway. i do make a few other faces.

    seeing him for real. and being goofy before and after (someone tell me to never giggle again).

    and having my baby fall asleep in my arms tonight. after vacation she’s decided that i’m quite her favorite and that’s just fine with me… i’ll be gone pretty soon and everyone else will become her favorites again.

    okay, i’m tired and figure i should be done with all these links. after a few, it probably gets boring for you to have to keep pushing on words (although i always love doing it).

    i wanna love somebody — love somebody like you

  5. tonight won’t be just any night

    August 25, 2006 by louissa

    yes, this aunt has had an affect on the two oldest babies concerning thier choice in music (i’m so proud of myself). my dvd of keith urban’s concert has been at the little yellow house for a month now (and will probably continue to be there when i leave) and has become the morning exercise video. i hear that when daddy pulls out the nordic track so does urban and that’s what they watch. gabriel hums the tune, “as days go by…” and when my lovey doll sees the nordic track being set up she says, with her big eyes, and her head moving in the most bronwyn way possible, “watch keith urban!”

    and that’s what i’ll be doing tonight. watching keith urban. i think it will be perfectly different from the other big-name concert i went to. it was in Heinz Hall (don’t think ketchup and all the catchy sayings on their bottles, think old theatre — it really is quite lovely) to see Diana Krall. it was an amazing night and i don’t think anything i’ll ever see if will cost that much money, but it was worth it. i love her.
    - – - – - – - – - – - -

    wondering why all the posts suddenly? well, it might partly be because i sit in a very cold office five hours out of my day with enough things to do to fill up three and a half of those hours (although that will be changing come monday), but it might also be because i recently found out that i’ll have email at this school in germany but no other web access. there is an internet cafe close by, but i probably won’t be posting as much — i know, it’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth. louissa will be living in the real world come september 19 (does living in europe count as the real world? i’ll feel far too much like sabrina for that to happen!) and even if she did have web access, do you think she’d have enough time to post as regularly as she does now?

    she could spend hundreds upon hundreds of dollars to go to the internet cafe daily, but that would leave her in a rather sad state, wouldn’t it?

  6. haha. hehe.

    August 24, 2006 by louissa

    when did you last laugh?

    tonight. a lot. really hard. no noise. mouth open. stomach hurting. trying to breath. enjoying myself. in a 4-runner. with four others. deciding to have a good time. i laughed. like never before.

    you missed a rockin’ time.

  7. gracious

    August 24, 2006 by louissa

    most days i wake up and feel like a dreadfully horrible person. everything reminds me of what i’ve done in the past and who i’ve hurt.

    it’s amazing what the Lord will do when i turn my focus off of my problems and instead focus on Him and His goodness and love. i realize that even in my hurt and wonderings, i’m so selfish — in that i’m consumed with what i’m feeling and what i’m going through. oh, just like i keep on hurting people over and over, i keep on forgetting to get my eyes off me and instead on Him. for it’s when i do that, that everything gets put back into perspective. it’s when i do that, that He washes me clean. and it’s when i do that, that i walk away feeling whole again.

    Lord You are gracious
    You are slow to anger
    abounding in love
    You are good to all

  8. pictures of random things

    August 23, 2006 by louissa

    lovely girl turned twenty-two today.

    i know there are some rather comical things about the north country (like the out-of-towners i saw looking at the Mall Directory in Massena today). i know that at times, for convenience sake, it’s not the greatest place to be, but it is rather lovely.

    so i’m a crazy girl. because i think i can get away with this:

    and then i go out and buy a whole buch of very preppy clothing.

    then my mom suggests i get these boots:

    and i laugh and think, “what? me in those?!” and i say, “how ’bout these?”

    and after all that i wonder about the hat and ask why such a preppy conservative girl is wearing a hat off to the side to begin with. they just don’t mix. but anyway… so yeah, just know that when you see me wearing that hat with my GAP jeans and cable-knit sweater, you can laugh.

    i know i do.

  9. child and grown up

    August 22, 2006 by louissa

    i was cleaning out my “school shelf” today and found a folder full of drawings, clothing designs, and a story. i got a kick out of a few of them… it’s proof that a child’s imagination can be quite creative, but at a certain point it stops.

    two drawings from when i was ten (they were part of a series of pictures):


    for larger views of them, go here.

    things went down-hill from there. here’s an unfinished sketch that i had to do in art class this past year:

    not only are her hands broken, but her face is trying to be pac-man 2. there are a few things that i should just stay away from — art being one of them.

    oh, and i’m supposed to ask. a certain boy i know is looking for a queen size mattress. anyone who has one, contact me or my mom or him.

  10. putting it away

    August 21, 2006 by louissa

    today found me going through all my little boxes full of nothings that mean so much to this poor old heart. a box that used to hold stationary and a box that my first Bible was in are now full of cards from years ago as well as recent ones and an odd assortment of what a little girl always considers her precious somethings. i found the last two birthday cards my nana sent me, all sorts of hand-made cards from my creative sisters and friend and a few thank you’s that should have been thrown out but were all too nice for me to do that to. i came across pictures that held memories of long ago friendships (goodness — i make myself sound old) and pen-pal friends who i see once in a great while at weddings and conferences but don’t really have much contact with anymore. oh! and i still have coins from the Philippines. never been there, but i do have coins (bring me next time you go and i can buy you a candy).

    i found out a few things about myself as well. apparentely i’ve always been a bit too uptight about money. at age ten i started keeping track of how much i had and how much i was making every few months (at least i don’t do that anymore). at age thirteen i recorded my height and weight. why? i don’t know. when i was twelve i used the word “queer” obsessively to describe everything, but that would be because i was obsessively reading everything by Lucy Maud Montgomery. when i first started writing in a journal (back in ’97) i acted like the little book was a person. i had names for the first few journals i filled (which i do not care to share) and started every entry with a “How are you?” i loved to write stories and have far too many unfinished ones. they were always about poor young girls who suddenly were in the world of the rich and i took far too long to describe each room and how it was decorated. i would have bored any sensible person out of their mind.

    yes, i do believe i was a bit odd as a child. but i can’t really say that i’m not odd now. i wear socks to bed all the time and i can’t get on a bicycle without my heart almost stopping. one minute i’m using old-fashioned words and the next i’m singing beyonce and dancing. i make a mess everytime i brush my teeth — how do people keep all the toothpaste inside of their mouth and none around it? i never knew there was an art to it until i realized that i was the only buffoon (ohmy. did i just use the word “buffoon” to describe myself?) with white foam all over my lips and corners of my mouth and everyone else somehow politely brushes so that the only thing you see is the toothbrush handle. and i make the oddest noises when wearing my retainers. someone’s gotta help me.

    well, now that that i’ve completely scared you, i’ll let you know that i didn’t really mean for this entry to go in this direction. the idea was that packing everything away had me feeling… well, a bit melancholy. i found myself putting all my things in storage bins — something i’ve watched other siblings do, but i never thought my turn would come so soon. i’m afraid that every entry for the next few weeks will be finely peppered with all this sadness about my going.

    i decided that with the way i’m acting about leaving for half a year and all this talk about how i only have three weeks till i leave — well, a doctor better not tell me ever that i have that length of time left. if you think all this is bad, just think about what i’d be like then. : )

    p.s. i’m sorry to all who i just offended with my morbid joking. i forget that not everyone is like me and thinks the song Earl’s Gotta Die is the funniest thing ever.

    p.s.s. God bless you if you actually took the time to read all this.