louissa sinclair

since i’m doing it on my xanga, i figured i’d do it here.

for most of you, you probably haven’t noticed, but the list of links on the left is growing longer and longer. within the last 24 hours i’ve added three new people who have joined the ranks of “real bloggers.”

just kidding. i love to push people’s buttons. technically, there are no “fake bloggers” as long as they’re really blogging.

welcome to bubsie, david, and j-rad.

disliking…

…senior pages needing to be made
…trying to find a place for my studio recital in june
…being tired all the time
…never feeling like i get everything done in a day
…not being able to run as far as i want
…having to buy lots of new clothes

liking…

…being able to drive whenever
…eating blueberry muffins and potato soup
…have birthday money to shop with
…reading books and books and books and more books
…watching ai with my family every tuesday and wednesday
…taking walks in this lovely weather
…going to bed

i know a lot about this Christianity thing that i’m trying to live. and one thing i know is that knowing is very different than doing.

last night i finally did something i should have been doing for sometime now. i shared part of my testimony; i shared what the Lord has done in my life; i shared where i’ve been in the past and where i am today; i shared what i’ve been freed from. and oh! how fooish i felt, standing in that crowd of people, finally opening up, crying, and somehow trying to follow through with what i felt the Holy Spirit was telling me to do. i finished, they clapped and praised the Lord for what He’d done in my life, and i still felt incredibly dumb.

after all, i am Louissa Sinclair. i have everything together in my life, nothing is ever wrong, and i never struggle. well, at least that’s how some people see me. a girl i’ve grown up with came up to me afterwards and was able to talk to me about what the Lord was doing in her heart. why, after knowing each other for eighteen years, did this finally happen? because i had been honest and as she said, “i was like, ‘oh my goodness! louissa struggles too…’ i felt like i suddenly had a connection with you.” another girl asked me to pray for her. as i had shared my testimony she realized that i had gone through the same thing she’s going through.

needless to say, i’m confident it was the Lord. i’m far too prideful to voluntarily humble myself in front of others and really share my story. i knew that it would be difficult and i knew that there would be tears — and i don’t like that at all. but as i stood there last night i knew that i had to do it and so i did. apparently, it wasn’t in vain. and i’m very thankful for that.

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i took a walk today. as i walked on North Street, i passed a lady working on her yard. from behind me i heard a gasp and the lady cried out to me, “are you the one who sang at my church?” i told her i was. she then said, “what happened to your hair?!” she assured me that she liked my “new cut” but loved my long hair.

goodness. she saw me for a total of 45 minutes that one sunday! i’ve decided that people get altogether too attached to hair far too quickly.

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sorry for all the confusion i’ve brought concerning my subscription list. i decided to humor my friend for at least the next few days by organizing my subscriptions to his liking. i know, i’m such a nice person. and i did this after he harrassed me about “hacking” my hair off and then he went and posted a ridiculous entry on my xanga.

again, goodness.

i’m wearing yellow socks today. i’ve found that my hippie love for anything burt’s bees extends to not only lotion and soap, but also their socks.

if you had driven past the bridge today, you might have seen exploring old trails and enjoying this wonderful weather.

i would love it to be just a little bit warmer. then i could, with a good conscience, pull out my sandals.

my sister is a crack up. she came up with derek zoolander’s version of D.A.R.E.

Drugs
Are
Ridiculously
Edible

another sister’s comment about my previous entry was, “stop making all the mother’s cry.” so i’m done with depressing “i’m growing up posts.” i really am excited for what the Lord has for me in the future. change is always a little bitter-sweet and i seem to make a habit of dwelling on the bitter parts more than the sweet ones.

my bad.

why should the fire die? played in the backround and a plate with two no-bake cookies sat next to me. i pulled out my school binder and the encyclopedia i was using to research Marie Curie and set to work.

i kept glancing at my blue binder, covered with the names of bands i thought were the coolest things back when i was thirteen. dc talk, smalltown poets, jars of clay, supertones, burlap to cashmere — they’re all there. i still remember the day i graduated into a binder. i don’t remember what year it was (maybe sixth), but i remember feeling so old and grown up when my mom handed it to me. the older girls had binders for their work and i had wanted my own for so very long. i thought that school would be so much more fun with a binder to keep all my work organzied in.

it eventually was decorated with little girl flowers and the names of two girls i thought would be my best friends forever. one lived in paris and the other in a smalltown outside of pittsburgh. i wrote letters to both of them. one had long blonde hair and a big family. the other had shorter dirty-blonde hair and had a big family. i had red hair and a big family. i thought they were cool and they both thought i was cool. obviously, they were perfect for me.

i’m not in contact with either of them anymore.

as the years went on, more and more quotes and lyrics were written on it. i then started my highschool years and became terribly embarrassed because of the poorly spelled words (for example, raimbow) and the ridiculous bands spelled in horrible wanna-be bubble letters in various colors. i guess at sixteen you get too old for that kind of stuff.

tonight, even while a friend sat at the kitchen table with me, i didn’t put it away. i kept looking at it and laughing at the childish flowers and handwriting. to me, this blue binder, filled with maps i’ve drawn, reports i’ve written, vocabulary words with definitions, math lessons, notes and answers for science questions, etc… all of this represents the season of life i’ve been living for the past eighteen years. on june 16th, all of that will be over. on that day i will surely put the binder in the garbage and put an end to it all.

i think at that point, i’ll be able to fully understand that i really am eighteen now. no longer a little girl, with the bowl haircut, quietly looking at you during worship.

O men, grown sick with toil and care,
Leave for awhile the crowded mart;
O women, sinking with despair,
Weary of limb and faint of heart,
Forget your years to-day and come
As children back to childhood’s house.

~Phoebe Cary

well, i had a perfectly lovely day. thank you all for the “comment” wishes, the e-cards, phone calls, e-mails, cards, and presents.

i feel loved and feel like i know the best people in the world.

farewell little girl.

hello big girl.

BAM! and i’m an adult… or something like that.

i just love going on and on about my birthday. i know, i’m such a self-centered beastly sort of girl. someday i’ll get over myself.

march 15, 2003

so many people remembered though. i feel quite special. daniel and chris thought it horrible that i’m not doing anything. i told them i have leslie here — isn’t that enough of a celebration?

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i locked myself out of church tonight. i was the only one there, standing in the parking lot with the van behind me, looking through the glass door towards my bag that had the keys for the building (both sets that my dad has) as well as the van. i couldn’t believe it. thankfully, the head of security lives just up the driveway and to the right, so i ran to his house and got another set of keys to let myself back in.

only me.

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“do you have that likin’ fer bein’ alone too?” he asked.

“i reckon - a little. but i don’t hev thoughts enough to keep me busy; after awhile i need comp’ny.”

- across five aprils

i turn eighteen in three days.

“sixteen years have i lived, and yet so little do i know, and so much remains to be done before i begin to be what i desire - a truly good and useful woman.”

i used that last year and i find that it still fits me.