i sat in a metal chair not paying much attention to the teaching on passion. i’ve heard it before, i’ll hear it again. but suddenly i couldn’t sit there unaware of what was really being said. what had come out of his mouth challenged the way i live my life. and i didn’t really like that.
but really, i did. it’s good to be challenged, right?
i sat in the drivers seat of my parents minivan talking to a sister on my cell phone about food plans for a Mumsie’s birthday dinner. i passed the cop and felt my mouth go dry, my hands start to sweat, and my heart start to beat a bit faster. there’s nothing like the feeling when you think you’re going to get caught for something you’re not supposed to do.
i didn’t though. i’m lucky like that. and i like it like that.
we stood in our new sitting room — all twenty-four of us or however many there were — and told our Mumsie why we like her so much.
i like that time. i like that we do that. and i like that when i go elsewhere i’m finding that others have picked up on it.
i ate chicken and salad and salt potatoes and bread. and then i ate cake with strawberries and blueberries and whip cream. then a few hours later i drove down to the newest establishment in town and ate poutine and apple crisp. and i felt very full.
i didn’t really like that.
i sat in a blue poncho on the front porch of my white house with a red roof. my feet that weren’t under the cover of the red roof were wet with raindrops and grimy from the dirt, small stones, and mulch they had picked up on my rainy walk. there was conversation, but not always. and that was okay.
i like that.
i swept the porch floor at the end of a busy day. a sister and an “add-on”, as we’ve dubbed the many people who spend a large amount of time in this house, played on the piano and sang and experimented and created and i listened along.
i like that there’s always music.
i’m in bed. with a sister next to me watching a family favorite, Law & Order, and i think of my day and how good it’s been.
and i like that.
July 20th, 2008
July 18th, 2008
11:23pm.
i’m finally home and i just started boiling water for noodles to settle the feeling of my stomach eating itself. my feet are sore, my mind is tired, and the idea of waking up to begin yet again another ordinary day is almost too monotonous for me to handle.
but i tell myself to not live from one event to the other, but to live each moment — each day — and savor what it has to give me. i tell myself to give thanks without ceasing and to see His work in each boring just-like-the-last-one day that i might have. and to not be in such a rush for the next best thing.
sunday night i left the sounds of the house (although they were lovely sounds of a guitar & ukulele and singing and laughter) and sat in the middle of our back yard. the dew covered grass soaked through my jeans but i didn’t mind. the fireflies danced about me and i gazed at the moon just wanting to be. i didn’t want to talk, i didn’t want to think, i just wanted peace.
the tears came soon and they weren’t really surprising. i told Him that i was bored, i told Him that i was done being patient, i told Him i was done trusting that there really is a next step to my life, but there was no answer that my life would radically change the second i got up. no, just the gentle reminder that His timing is better — that His ways are higher and the way to go.
right now i don’t see an end in sight to this season. i don’t have the next step mapped out, but i also know that the Israelites didn’t always have the Promised Land in their line of vision, but they continued on in faith and right now faithfulness is what i’m being called to.
i must be faithful with what His given me. i must be faithful where i’m at. and i must be faithful in my trust in Him and His plan for my future.
July 15th, 2008
the alarm goes off at 7:30. i finally get out of bed around 7:45. after a quick jump in the shower, clothes are put on for the day, and i’m downstairs by 8:10. i reach in the cupboard for the biggest mug i can find all the while annoyed with myself for my morning ritual of drinking the dark deliciousness and feeling rather dependent. after eating a piece of toast or a piece of shortbread or a bowl of cereal or some fruit or whatever it is i find that morning, at 8:25 i run back upstairs to brush my teeth, grab my bag, and then i head out the door.
i sit at a desk for the next seven hours answering phones, typing, and using a mouse that makes a knot tighten on the left side of my neck even more everyday. i then walk home, change into tights, a skirt, a tanktop, grab my ballet shoes and leave the house. i dance and sing for the next two hours, sweating profusely in a room on the second floor with no AC, frustrate myself with my dreadful pirouettes, have headaches from being dropped on my head by a boy, and really enjoy every minute of it.
i come home tired and dirty and a bit worn. i go to bed already dreading the sound of the alarm that i will, like every other morning, ignore for the first fifteen minutes.
and so goes my world.
July 9th, 2008
i’m sitting on my side porch right now. i’m wearing a dress. i’ve been wearing a dress all day and i love that. it’s quiet (the doors are closed to the house though so that might have something to do with it since this house is never quiet). i can see the moon and wonder how i can find a circle that always is the same so fascinating. and i have my cheese danish beside me.
right now, i like my world.
June 15th, 2008
tonight i told myself that i was gonna write. and i tried. i really did. i told myself that this would be the day; i’ve got plenty i can write about — what with the tender fingertips from frying potatoes last night and working with my hands all day today, the walk that i took in the wind with the lightning in front of me this evening, and the way that i so shamefully didn’t really answer a simple question of how i am doing tonight — yes, lots. but honestly, i got nuttin’. so here, a bit of what my day entailed:
today i scraped wallpaper off walls. and i decided two things:
- i have a weak back
- i will never put wallpaper up in my house
and now, at 11pm, i’m going to eat a bowl of cereal. i’m hungry.
June 2nd, 2008
my red shoes.
nope, when i click my heels nothing too fancy happens besides giving them a brand new scuff mark. but they don’t need any magic to make me happy — i just need to wear them. i love my red shoes.
my friends.
i just spent the most wonderful weekend walking on the beach, eating sushi, watching a movie, and enjoying the city with three of my bestest friends.
my new hairs.
after much “hemming and hawing” i decided that blondes really don’t have that much more fun so i went for a change. time to spice up my life again.
summer life.
my blue skies, billowing clouds, and green world. can anything be better?
dinner with a sister.
we joined the rest of the senior citizens of this very tiny town for our dinner this evening. i got my usual hamburger deluxe (no onions please) with a side of fries and tonight i splurged. i finished that off with a piece of pie. needless to say, my belly probably matched hers.
craziness.
i realize that i’m crazy and every now and then it’s nice to realize that there are others out there that suffer with the same craziness. and there is never a better time to express that craziness than when waiting for said food in a place the smells strangely similar to that of a nursing home.
baby goodness.
to adore whenever i want. just down the road in the little yellow house.
May 28th, 2008
sometimes i want to write. sometimes i feel like i need to write. but really, when i click the link “write” that brings me to an empty box waiting for me to fill it, i realize that i don’t have anything.
i was tonight. i just was. i don’t know if one real thought passed through my mind, but it felt restful. for tonight, please just let me be.
i wore my mums old apron. actually, i’m still wearing it. there are eaten lemon bars and a large platter of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen. i had a free evening. i didn’t know what else to do. i dusted tables and started to vacuum floors that had already been cleaned today. i made popcorn and then i baked my night away.
sometimes i feel overlooked. then i tell myself that that’s just silly feelings. and somehow i thought i wouldn’t deal with this at this age. i guess i’m still waiting for that maturing thing to happen to me.
we have a Sitting Room. we’ve never had a Sitting Room before so this is all rather new to me. it’s a bit more formal than our Family Room where all movie watching happens and a little less formal than my mums old Front Room/Parlor. i’m sitting in it… on the love seat, indian style, wearing an apron with a glass bowl of pineapple beside me. my mouth is tingly from all the pineapple i’ve consumed in the last hour, but i don’t exercise much self-control in my life over any situation, so why start when eating something that tastes so wonderful in the moment?
i had my first “Louissa is an irresponsible adult” moment recently. i don’t ever balance my checkbook but i didn’t think it that bad since i’ve only written a handful of checks since i opened the account a year ago. but i use my debit card. i use it more than anything. and i don’t keep track of my checking account whatsoever. my debit card used it up, i wrote a check, and i overdrew on the account. yes, i felt rather lame.
it’s 10:06pm and i’m the only one awake in the house.
mostly i’m fine, but a little bit i’m lonely.
every week i have a new favorite song. and i listen to it until i’ve thoroughly killed it. this may not be the wisest way of doing things, but as i said, there’s no self-control in me so the repeat button continues to be hit. i’ve listened to one Regina Spektor song seven times already tonight.
there are dishes on the counter. half of me says that i should go clean the kitchen. the other half of me says that i’m tired too — can’t i just go to bed?
May 20th, 2008
i felt a bit like Kathleen Kelly today. you know the part — she’s in her apartment preparing some sort of goodness to eat in a black mock turtleneck top and a dark green jumper and she turns to Frank and asks, “what exactly is it that i do?”
i asked the same question. only i was in my candycane striped pajama pants and my “Right Left” sweatshirt and i had plopped myself beside my mumsie in her bed and started to question where i am, what i’m doing, my lack of plans for the future.
really all i was wondering was, “am i making my life count?”
and the question that i needed to hear asked back was, “count for who?” count in the world’s eyes — be the scholar it tells me to be, make the digits it says i must for a happy life, get the car, the house, the dog, the two kids, and the white picket fence — or count for eternity?
i’m no Einstein — in fact, i practically failed through my pathetic high school career of mathematics (although i hear he didn’t do much hotter), but i’m starting to figure out my want of approval from man (really, sometimes i feel like it’s more than a want — it’s a need) and how quickly i turn from my gaze being on what He’s called me to. the world is selling me dreams and ideals of what a successful life looks like and i must confess that i’m a quick buyer. i forget to look at what He says and to decide to do that instead.
and where are my desires? where are my longings being placed? i have dreams — oh, i might say that i don’t because i think them rather pathetically small and won’t want to admit to them, but i do dream and where do my dreams lie? in receiving praise, admiration, respect here by man or pursuing Kingdom goals — even if that means that not everyone will understand?
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6)
May 14th, 2008
it’s almost 10:30. i’ve only had one cup of coffee and so far, we’ve had a very enjoyable morning with three happy children and an aunt who is quite content to not have to correct very much. more laundry has been put in, a drum set has been fixed, baby dolls have been put in their proper clothing, a dishwasher has been figured out, a diaper has been changed, make-up has been put on this girl (i rather forgot to take care of myself yesterday), songs have been sung, and we’ve had the rather funny and bizarre conversations one has when you spend a large majority of your day with a five-year-old, a three-year-old, and a two-year-old.
i’ve been asked a bazillion times in the last few days why i’m not a bride yet and why i don’t have my own babies. in these darlings minds it only makes sense that i should be in the exact same season of life as their dear mother. i really do confuse them. i’m twenty. i’m not a bride. i don’t have any babies. and i go to work each day like their daddy.
to One who is faithful and deserves only the most faithful to serve Him, i find myself desperately lacking and quickly trying to change that. i’m starting to realize that my life song is going to one of His faithfulness to me even though i’m finding that my heart is dreadfully unfaithful.
i’ve pulled an Icarus. everyone has listened to this song and have puzzled over the line with some strange name in it:
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
Icarus found himself distracted by enjoying that which was given to him. he didn’t heed the words spoken to him and that was his destruction. he wasn’t focused.
my heart is dreadfully divided. my love, my devotion, my worship, my time is all mixed up and confused. He should be at the top of my list, the One who is receiving all of it, and yet i’ve found myself forgetting to give Him anything — to love Him at all.
and it’s been my downfall. an unsettled heart, a distressed spirit has been my portion when my head knows that if He was my focus then i would know perfect peace. and so i’m reminded of where my focus is to be:
“Let your eyes look directly ahead
And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.
Watch the path of your feet
And all your ways will be established.
Do not turn to the right nor to the left…“
He gives good things. He blesses me. and sometimes the things and not the Giver is my focus.
i’m in a good season. i like my life. and i’m content. i’m fine with what i do, where i am, where my faith level is, where my relationship is with others and Him and i don’t want that. i want to want more, to need more, to long for more of Him.
i find myself humming these words to myself more often than not recently:
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
the day is starting to warm up. perhaps a walk is in order for an aunt and three little ones.
May 13th, 2008
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